When fearful can be a good thing

I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works, and my soul knows very well.
Psalm 139:14

     I have referenced the word fear just a "few" times over the last few months but wanted to look at the word from a different angle. I began thinking about this verse last night and woke up thinking about it again. I know what it means to fear but do I know what it means to be fearfully made? In a little bit of digging, I found that in the original Hebrew, the word 'fearfully' means: with great reverence and heartfelt interest and respect.
     In other words, we are not just thrown together at the last minute whim of God or our parents. God contemplated our very existence and created us with purpose and intent. This is quite a reminder in a busy world in which we can feel a bit lost sometimes. Yes, God is bigger than the universe, bigger than what we can comprehend. However, He took time before our creation to thoughtfully design and make you and me specifically.
     As we walk through difficult seasons and through seasons of rest, we can always know that God made us as a "marvelous work".

Love and blessings.

When Jesus cries with us

Jesus wept.
John 11:35

     Shortest verse in God's word but quite possibly one of the most powerful. I was reminded while sitting in my sweet church this morning that not only does Christ hurt for us but He hurts with us. This week will be the start of a painful season for my family and I. Definitely the toughest time that we've had thus far. How do I know that we are not alone in this time? Jesus wept. How do I know that Christ loves us? Jesus wept and He has sent His people to be His body that can weep with us as well.
     I am beginning my rounds of chemotherapy this week that will work to eradicate any possible remaining cancer cells in my body for the next 12 weeks. After that, I will have 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation and begin the process of recovery. God has sent His extraordinary peace to me and my family in these past few weeks. Have I struggled? Yes. I have had some dark moments but God has given me such a peace. The strength that you may hear or see when you are with me is not about me. It is God Himself, stepping into my life to carry me through.
     Let's talk about fear. Oh baby, do I have fears. But you know what? Several years ago, I watched a dear friend walk through the most traumatic and heartbreaking time of loss in her life. I found myself fearing isolation in a time of crisis. During her difficult time, I witnessed an amazing coming together of God's people with the sole purpose of holding up their friends with whom they had intimately shared life. Shortly thereafter, Jeremy and I prayed for a community of people that would surround us in our valley of life. I have seen the answer to that prayer come together over the past few years and culminate at the moment of my diagnosis last month. Absolutely amazing and completely humbling how God prepares us for battle and when the battle begins, you turn around and hundreds of people are standing with you, loving you and fighting with you.
     So, the fears are there but the fears also serve as a reminder that I am not in control. As long as I remind myself that God is sovereign, then I can rest. I can rest in the fact that He is weeping with us in this valley. God is God and God is still good.
Love and blessings.

Confidence in Christ when I am without my own

We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first.
Hebrews 3:14

      I told myself that as soon as I picked back up on my blog again, that it wouldn't be solely about this thing I am walking through. So, I thought I would pause the writing for a while until I could think of a new subject. Guess what? I failed. For now, this is where I am. Although, I don't want this cancer to wholly define me and my entire life right now, I'm not sure how to process things spiritually without addressing the biggest issues at hand. So this is where I am-for today anyway. Jeremy regularly asks me the big question "How are you doing today?" That question has a much bigger meaning right now. A "Fine, honey. You?" will not suffice. The other day my answer was exactly this: "I am doing okay but every once in a while the cold fingers of fear creep up on me and I get terrified." That's quite an answer, huh? Be aware if you ask me that question, you might get a very real answer.
     There are a variety of fears on the table with this cancer. You could probably list them with me, especially if you have watched someone walk through it
     So, here are some of the fears that I am giving to God these days (subject to change without notice)  :)

• that my closest friends and family will get completely worn out with me-I can tell you the correct response to this and what I would tell a friend who was walking through this but it is still a fear. I know that people love us and many will walk the long road with us but I still don't want people to avoid me because life is tough for us right now.
• that I will be defined by this cancer-pretty soon I am fairly positive that I will "look sick" and this is a tough one for me. Call it vanity, pride, whatever. But the fact is, there will be no avoiding the fact visually that I am going through treatment within a couple of weeks. I want God to define me, not a disease of a fallen world.
• that I will feel isolated-ok, I am just going to put it out there. Isolation makes me sad and lonely and sad Laura is no fun at all. So, to all of our friends that we "do life with", do not give us our space. We want you in our space. Capeche? Capeche. ;)
• that my sickness will take joy away from my little family- oh, this is a tough one. I am a power-through-it type of person and this thing may not allow me to do that some days. I don't want my kids to see life changed because mom is sick. I have to let this one go because life will change in many ways, at least temporarily, and they will be fine. But, what momma wouldn't struggle with this?
• that I won't allow myself to be transparent to others-I know God has given me a strength through this but I have had many many tough moments these last few weeks. It is one thing to have those tough moments with my husband but I worry about having those tough moments in front of others. I'm afraid that if I am a wreck, people will think I am not depending on God enough or that my faith isn't strong enough.

     Well, I've got some things to give to God, no? Just like life in general, I am on a journey with this. I know that this situation did not surprise God. I know that He has been preparing me for this for some time now. And I know that He loves me. I am thankful that through this life-changing diagnosis, that I have not doubted His love or presence. The verse I posted reminds me that He never changes even when life drastically does. He has promises that do not shift with our circumstances. He gives us people that we can share life with in Christ that can encourage, bolster, and love us.
     Thank you for walking through this with us, whatever form that is in. If you are simply reading this and saying a prayer for me and my family, thank you. If you have mailed me a card, cooked a meal, called me, emailed me, sent me a bible verse, or just checked in on us, thank you. Thank you for loving us through this. I can't promise you these blog postings these next couple of months will be fun but I can promise you that I will be transparent (and hopefully I won't wear you out)  ;)

The post I never thought I would have to write

Many are the plans in a human heart, but it is the LORD'S purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21


Deep breath...here we go. The post I've been dreading. I was told this week that I have breast cancer. It was a complete shock (as I am sure it generally would be for most people). My family and I are doing a lot of praying and processing and will know more details in the coming weeks. This verse is one that I have never read before and it speaks volumes to me right now. I have many plans for my life and not a single one of them included getting cancer at 34 years old. All I know is that this is what God is allowing in my life right now. Do I like it ? Not a bit. It's really terrible to watch your husband and 9 year old cry together while trying to work through finding God's peace. But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. I hate the thought of sickness, recovery, treatment, and whatever else I will have to walk through. But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. All of these verses that I have been searching through these last few months will be my comfort. I serve a God of peace and of faithfulness. I serve a God who is weeping with my family this week. I serve a God who knows the feeling of heartache. I will praise him in this midnight hour of my life out of love and obedience. I will praise Him because He is my Redeemer and Healer. I will praise Him because he has called me by name.  I will not fear.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

Love and blessings.

Joyful (but not necessarily happy)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent of praiseworthy-think about such things. 
Philippians 4:8

Whew, life can be exhausting. Just the moment when you think that it is going smoothly, watch out. A curve ball may be headed your way. In thinking about fear and worry over these last several months, I've begun to wonder how much time and energy I have spent worrying about things over which I have no control. And while I have excused these times away as saying that it is a part of my personality to worry and dwell, I have learned recently that I may have actually been disobeying a command of God's all this time. In Philippians, we are directed and commanded to rejoice and to never be anxious (chapter 3, verse 4-7). How is this possible? How can we be commanded to be joyful? Don't be confused. This is not the same as being commanded to be happy all the time. Instead, it is God's directive for our life to find joy and contentment in him. Let's face it, the world is a messy place and there is sometimes easier to focus on what can go wrong rather than turning our eyes to Christ and looking to him for guidance. That is why I love this verse. What am I spending my moments dwelling and meditating on? All of the things that can go wrong or on the sovereignty of Christ? The worst case scenarios or God's protection of me and my family?

Paul tells us to dwell on the things that often go against our "human nature", or sinful nature. Our tendency, especially when faced with loss or stress, is to focus on the "Why me's?" and our lack of understanding. This list of things to focus on almost seems impossible in this world. The only way I know to do this is to stay in His word for us. By immersing myself in God's word, bathing every day in prayer, and surrounding myself with other believers, I am ready to face a world filled with uncertainties and people who need to see the certainty of Christ through me. The reward? The peace of God. Peace that exceeds a healthy checking account, job stability, and potential loss. Peace that goes beyond our understanding. Peace that is the calm in the middle of a raging storm through our lives. Peace that guards our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Peace.

Lord, compel me to think of noble, pure, right, lovely, and admirable things. Wake me in the morning with a desire for you and your word. Thank you, Lord, that even my worst case scenario is surrounded by your love and grace for me and my family.

No, son. God is not a puppy snatcher.

Find rest , O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8

There is so much in this world that is uncertain and unknown. When our sense of hope and joy rely on these things, then we are bound to be disappointed, heartbroken. But, when God alone is our hope, our rock, and our refuge, there is never hopelessness. Never. He can never let us down. True, we live in a fallen and sinful world where sickness, sin, and heartache reign. But God is not the source of these things. Where there is sickness, God provides hope. Where there is sin, God provides redemption. Where there is heartache, God provides restoration. He is the exact opposite of all that is in this world. Yet, He gets blamed for so much. We've all blamed God at some point in the midst of a difficult situation. We feel as though God should have (and could have) reached his hand down and stopped the devastation.

I'll never forget when our first dog died. Our oldest son was 3 or 4 at the time. We were explaining that Bethany had gotten sick and died and had gone to "heaven" (don't read too much into the theology here of pets in heaven-he was little). At this point, he started to weep bitterly. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that it wasn't fair that God would go around snatching up the puppies of little boys just so He could have it in heaven. "Does he just reach down his big 'ol hand and take puppies, Mom?" Oy. Now we were in deep. We had to explain that no, God is not mean and he does not go around taking puppies of little boys. After a 15 minute theological discussion (on a preschool level) about God's relationship with us, he was satisfied. Whew.

Isn't that sometimes our view of God? That He has the tendency to stick his hand out from heaven and stir things up on earth? Maybe he could have prevented a tragedy or kept a person from sinning. Fortunately, God has given every person the ability to make choices, including the choice to love and follow Him. Unfortunately, that choice does not exclude us from heartache on this earth.

However, when I live this psalm out in my life, I am not easily swayed by the circumstances of my life. When God is my joy and my strength, I can stand no matter what happens on this earth. Will we hurt? Most certainly. But given the chance, God wants to restore and heal every hurt. When I pour out those hurts, fears, frustrations, and feelings of helplessness to Him, he can reach his hand down to my heart and restore it to His fullness.

God will give us rest. God will give us hope. And He will give us peace. All we have to do is rely on Him and Him alone. Then, we will not be shaken.

Certain of the unseen

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

At first glance, this doesn't appear to be about fear. But you and I know better by now, right? :) What is unseen is often what gives us the greatest sense of fear and anxiety. There are many situations that, if we could see them clearly from all angles, then we could understand them. However, God doesn't work that way. If He gave us the reason and outcome for every situation that presented itself in our lives, where would be the room for faith? Faith allows us to hand it to God without needing all the details or the reasons why. Faith allows us to lean on God when we feel unsure of what we are walking through. Faith gives us strength. I've heard it said so many times that "God will never give us more than we can handle." I don't believe this is true. God often allows us to walk through something He knows is beyond what we can handle on our own. When we can't handle it on our own anymore, then we turn to Him. It is in those moments that we see our desperate need for Christ.