Monday, January 28, 2013

Still going :)

Well, yes, the "Year of No Fear" is technically complete ( if this is your first time at my blog, please take a moment to read my earlier blog postings to see how this whole thing got started). However, don't ever think that you've got something "handled" because that will put you right back at the starting line. I studied, researched, prayed, and blogged for a year on the topic of being consumed with fear because this was something that I had struggled with for a long time (don't we all struggle with it on differing levels?). The truths that God taught me brought us through a series of difficult circumstances that began about a month after my first post and on many levels is still playing out. Tornado destruction, job loss, my cancer diagnosis and treatment, and the loss of our home pretty well covers it. Even though we had some pretty scary days, God used those times to teach me in a very concrete way that all I have is Him. We can lose so much but we will never lose the One who sustains, redeems, and calls us by name. Loss can be materialistic, health, financial, relational and a variety of unsettling things that we feel like we need to feel secure.

I was sitting in church yesterday and God was using the words of our teaching pastor to "circumcise my heart"(check out Colossians 2:11), or reveal any areas of idolatries. Areas that I am finding my security with other than Christ. Ok, so that's the background. Now here is what is going on that prompted this post. I am experiencing moments of all consuming fear several times a week as I analyze our budget. Now, everything is fine and I know that in my head but with us still searching for a job for Jeremy diligently, the budget is, of course, understandably tight. I am dealing with physical fear and anxiety when we pay bills and budget what is left. I have known in my heart that I need to give it up but I think I had to get to the root of why I got sweaty hands every time I worked on our financials. (Thankfully my sweet hubby is the level-headed voice of reason in these moments). God prompted me to write this sentence in my notes while listening to the sermon yesterday:

Anything that I am finding my security in other than Christ will always disappoint me and leave me feeling dissatisfied.

Immediately, I thought MONEY. I am trying desperately to grasp at this security that I feel like having "enough" will provide. And guess what? IT ISN'T WORKING.  I also began thinking about where this applies to other areas. How often do I seek out friendships with others to provide the affirmation and security that God provides fully? How many times do I consult the opinions of others instead of the One whose opinion and Word matters the most? Now, having wonderful friends and seeking Godly counsel are great, God-given things as long as that is not my primary source of security. (I can't be the only one who picks up her phone before her bible many times when faced with a dilemma). And that's what I am talking about. The place where I turn first is the going to be the source of my security or could turn into my source of fear and anxiety.

So, this is why I say that God is still working on the fear thing with me. In some ways, I am back to the starting line but I have the truths that He has taught us in very physical ways in my pocket and in my heart. I feel like I have to retry a marathon but at least I trained for this one so maybe it won't hurt so badly. Starting line? Yes. Unprepared? No.

Our story isn't finished being told yet. Your story isn't through yet, either. Walk with me as we learn (and re-learn) how to fully rest on Him.

"...the Lord's beloved rests securely on Him.
He shields him all day long,
and he rests on His shoulders"
Deuteronomy 33:12