I told myself that as soon as I picked back up on my blog again, that it wouldn't be solely about this thing I am walking through. So, I thought I would pause the writing for a while until I could think of a new subject. Guess what? I failed. For now, this is where I am. Although, I don't want this cancer to wholly define me and my entire life right now, I'm not sure how to process things spiritually without addressing the biggest issues at hand. So this is where I am-for today anyway. Jeremy regularly asks me the big question "How are you doing today?" That question has a much bigger meaning right now. A "Fine, honey. You?" will not suffice. The other day my answer was exactly this: "I am doing okay but every once in a while the cold fingers of fear creep up on me and I get terrified." That's quite an answer, huh? Be aware if you ask me that question, you might get a very real answer.
There are a variety of fears on the table with this cancer. You could probably list them with me, especially if you have watched someone walk through it
So, here are some of the fears that I am giving to God these days (subject to change without notice) :)
- that my closest friends and family will get completely worn out with me-I can tell you the correct response to this and what I would tell a friend who was walking through this but it is still a fear. I know that people love us and many will walk the long road with us but I still don't want people to avoid me because life is tough for us right now.
- that I will be defined by this cancer-pretty soon I am fairly positive that I will "look sick" and this is a tough one for me. Call it vanity, pride, whatever. But the fact is, there will be no avoiding the fact visually that I am going through treatment within a couple of weeks. I want God to define me, not a disease of a fallen world.
- that I will feel isolated-ok, I am just going to put it out there. Isolation makes me sad and lonely and sad Laura is no fun at all. So, to all of our friends that we "do life with", do not give us our space. We want you in our space. Capeche? Capeche. ;)
- that my sickness will take joy away from my little family- oh, this is a tough one. I am a power-through-it type of person and this thing may not allow me to do that some days. I don't want my kids to see life changed because mom is sick. I have to let this one go because life will change in many ways, at least temporarily, and they will be fine. But, what momma wouldn't struggle with this?
- that I won't allow myself to be transparent to others-I know God has given me a strength through this but I have had many many tough moments these last few weeks. It is one thing to have those tough moments with my husband but I worry about having those tough moments in front of others. I'm afraid that if I am a wreck, people will think I am not depending on God enough or that my faith isn't strong enough.
Thank you for walking through this with us, whatever form that is in. If you are simply reading this and saying a prayer for me and my family, thank you. If you have mailed me a card, cooked a meal, called me, emailed me, sent me a bible verse, or just checked in on us, thank you. Thank you for loving us through this. I can't promise you these blog postings these next couple of months will be fun but I can promise you that I will be transparent (and hopefully I won't wear you out) ;)