My story

Some of you I have known for many years, many of you I have met in recent years, and perhaps some have stumbled upon my blog without ever having seen me. Being the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis, I thought I would tell my story from the beginning. Feel free to indulge me for a moment. But even if you don't, this is probably as much (if not more) for me than anyone else. Cheap therapy :)

I felt a strong conviction in November of 2011 to start a blog that would explore the "fear" verses. I delayed it for a bit, thinking it would be slightly egotistical to write a blog (assuming anyone even noticed it). After a week or two, I literally could not shake the compulsion to write. Now, I have never been a writer outside of the obligatory research and writing assignments I was forced into by my teachers and professors. But, I wrote anyway. I figured if no one read it, then it would be a good exercise in bible research for me and a way to keep my thoughts organized (unlike my sermon notes that I find in random places). I knew that my writing was completely ordained by God because I would sit in my sun room at the computer with only my bible and many times had no ideas or prompts for the day's topic. I generally started at night when the house was quiet and would begin by praying for guidance and wisdom, feeling the weight of my assignment. Then I would begin to research and write, write and research. Finally I would read the words I had been given, usually knowing it came straight from God's heart.

We made our way through the craziness of the Christmas season (shopping, family events, and THE tornado) and settled back into normal routine in January. About the 3rd week in January, I was getting ready for school one morning and was running late to meet my car pool buddy (nothing new, huh Keshia?) but as I got dressed, I noticed something unusual. A large mass on the top part of my chest that had not been previously noticeable was all of a sudden protruding. I quickly decided it was nothing, made a mental note to call for a yearly visit that was due anyway, and went to work. I will fast forward through several boring doctor's appointments where I was told it was nothing, possibly injury based (huh???), and would probably go away on it's own, and that we would recheck in 6 months. I really struggled with this. I prayed about not wanting to blow something out of proportion but also knowing I needed to take responsibility for my health. I insisted on a biopsy (and kind of felt like I was being high-maintenance by pushing for it). The day of the biopsy was a bit rough. I came home and was in the bed for a couple of days while I recovered. I went back to work on Monday and was uncharacteristically laid back about the whole situation. I really never allowed myself to consider a possibility of anything other than a benign mass. After all, I had been told that there "was almost 0% it could test positive for cancer". I was scheduled for my appointment on the 16th of February but the office called me in a day earlier than planned. Even that didn't worry me. In fact, I told Jeremy not to come and that I was just going for a check up. Thankfully, he ignored me.

As we sat in the exam room for an extended period of time, I considered for the first time that perhaps all was not ok. The doctor and her staff were in deep discussion outside the door and the office was quiet. As she came in, I could see distress in her eyes. She then said the words I never expected to hear. "I'm sorry, Laura, but you have breast cancer. We are completely shocked." I looked at Jeremy, his eyes closed and his head leaned against the wall, and I couldn't think. Couldn't breathe. We were given a ton of information, more than we could process, and eventually walked out to the car. We had driven separately as we had both come straight from work, and drove home in a daze. Jeremy made some phone calls initially but I just was frozen. He got the boys who were being kept by a friend and met me at home. We put the boys to bed, who were unaware at this point, and called a small circle of family and close friends who prayed for us and cried with us. We told our sons later the next day about my diagnosis. Our oldest son who was 9 at the time, broke down into a heart wrenching sob. We all held each other, prayed, and then got some ice cream. :)

The next few weeks were a blur. I was quickly scheduled for surgery. My tumor concerned the doctor because it had an extremely high proliferation rate, meaning it was growing way too fast. More than 3 or 4 times what would be "normal". My surgery went well and there were no further complications. From there, we met with my amazing oncologist who sat with us for 3 1/2 hours one Friday evening and went over my treatment plan detail by detail while I scribbled notes. My fear of having to have chemotherapy was at this point a reality. I would have my first chemotherapy treatment a mere 5 days from then.

Jeremy and I (thanks to helpful grandparents) went away and had a quiet weekend in Atlanta together, not knowing what the next few months would be like. We wanted to take advantage of me feeling well before I started treatments.

I was scheduled for chemo that Wednesday. As I walked into the infusion room, I didn't know what to expect. Most of the people in there were elderly. A few even made comments about me being too  young to have to be there. Overall, it was ok. I was able to work for the next couple of days but was really feeling rough by the end of the day on Friday. So bad that Jeremy had to come and get me from school. I spent the weekend in the bed. I would come to learn that these weekends were emotionally the biggest struggle for me. The medicine I had to take for the side effects made me sad and I was already sad from not feeling well. These weekends were dark times for me. I generally turned off my phone and laid in the bed for several days, while my sweet family cared for me.

About a week and a half after my first treatment we had our spring break. I was feeling good and decided to take the kids to the Tellus Science museum for the day. Earlier that morning, however, I noticed that my hair had begun to fall out dramatically. By the end of the day, I had been to my hair dresser and was sporting a scarf where my hair had been. Once that was over with, I felt like I could breathe deeply again. I don't think I realized how heavily the anticipation and dread of losing my hair had been hanging over me.

The next couple of months felt like they would never come to an end. Finally, I finished my school year and got to spend some time with my sweet friend, Ginger, who came into town to go with me to my final chemo treatment on May 23rd. Several weeks later, Jeremy and I were able to take a trip to the beach in celebration of the end of treatment, thanks to the offer of a free beach side condo for a week. Praising my God the whole time, my family was able to laugh together, rest peacefully, and recuperate from a physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion.

Shortly after our return I began radiation treatments. For me, these were simple and straight ahead. I suffered little to no side effects and my energy began picking up throughout the summer. I was blessed by a new job that turned out to be a whole 4 minutes away from the house God had for us when we had to move out of our home in August. I completed my radiation treatments on July 31st-one day before I reported to my new classroom!

I knew throughout this year that I was never alone. Even in my darkest moments, my God was there. He walked before me in this and He walked beside me the whole time. I will never be able to adequately express my thanks for those of you who chose to love us through this. So many of you helped us care for our boys, cooked countless meals, or laughed and cried with us. I don't think I even know how many of you stood in the gap for us and prayed diligently.

I am feeling so great these days. I have begun running again and we are eating with purpose to optimize my health. God is still God and God is still good!

Thank you for sticking with me on this lengthy blog post and for sticking with me in general. Love and blessings to you.

Love, Laura

This is the evening that I had my head shaved

Love from my little guy



Final treatment/ "chemo party" with Ginger

Our portrait of hope

First chemo treatment-all smiles!


 



This was kind of cool. I submitted my picture to be used on a Dove ad on Times Square.
They chose my picture and sent me a photo of the billboard. My 3 seconds of "fame"!

My precious 11th/12th grade small group had Disciple Now shirts made in my honor. They say "I will praise you in this storm." This was my very first treatment weekend and I was so sad to miss out.


 

Beach fun!

Beach fun with my sweet hubby :)

The beginnings of hair growth! Nathaniel (our 7 year old) called this my "hamster hair"

Healthy Laura

Still going :)

Well, yes, the "Year of No Fear" is technically complete ( if this is your first time at my blog, please take a moment to read my earlier blog postings to see how this whole thing got started). However, don't ever think that you've got something "handled" because that will put you right back at the starting line. I studied, researched, prayed, and blogged for a year on the topic of being consumed with fear because this was something that I had struggled with for a long time (don't we all struggle with it on differing levels?). The truths that God taught me brought us through a series of difficult circumstances that began about a month after my first post and on many levels is still playing out. Tornado destruction, job loss, my cancer diagnosis and treatment, and the loss of our home pretty well covers it. Even though we had some pretty scary days, God used those times to teach me in a very concrete way that all I have is Him. We can lose so much but we will never lose the One who sustains, redeems, and calls us by name. Loss can be materialistic, health, financial, relational and a variety of unsettling things that we feel like we need to feel secure.

I was sitting in church yesterday and God was using the words of our teaching pastor to "circumcise my heart"(check out Colossians 2:11), or reveal any areas of idolatries. Areas that I am finding my security with other than Christ. Ok, so that's the background. Now here is what is going on that prompted this post. I am experiencing moments of all consuming fear several times a week as I analyze our budget. Now, everything is fine and I know that in my head but with us still searching for a job for Jeremy diligently, the budget is, of course, understandably tight. I am dealing with physical fear and anxiety when we pay bills and budget what is left. I have known in my heart that I need to give it up but I think I had to get to the root of why I got sweaty hands every time I worked on our financials. (Thankfully my sweet hubby is the level-headed voice of reason in these moments). God prompted me to write this sentence in my notes while listening to the sermon yesterday:

Anything that I am finding my security in other than Christ will always disappoint me and leave me feeling dissatisfied.

Immediately, I thought MONEY. I am trying desperately to grasp at this security that I feel like having "enough" will provide. And guess what? IT ISN'T WORKING.  I also began thinking about where this applies to other areas. How often do I seek out friendships with others to provide the affirmation and security that God provides fully? How many times do I consult the opinions of others instead of the One whose opinion and Word matters the most? Now, having wonderful friends and seeking Godly counsel are great, God-given things as long as that is not my primary source of security. (I can't be the only one who picks up her phone before her bible many times when faced with a dilemma). And that's what I am talking about. The place where I turn first is the going to be the source of my security or could turn into my source of fear and anxiety.

So, this is why I say that God is still working on the fear thing with me. In some ways, I am back to the starting line but I have the truths that He has taught us in very physical ways in my pocket and in my heart. I feel like I have to retry a marathon but at least I trained for this one so maybe it won't hurt so badly. Starting line? Yes. Unprepared? No.

Our story isn't finished being told yet. Your story isn't through yet, either. Walk with me as we learn (and re-learn) how to fully rest on Him.

"...the Lord's beloved rests securely on Him.
He shields him all day long,
and he rests on His shoulders"
Deuteronomy 33:12

One year later

Tomorrow is my birthday and I always tend to get introspective this time of year. I generally spend some moments around this day reflecting on the past year and thinking about the upcoming year. I've always felt it was healthy to look at areas of growth, places of weakness, and seeking out where God is bringing not only me but also my family.
     Well, this year has been quite a year. If you've tracked with this blog at all or if you "do life" with my family, you know that I started it at the end of last November after being convicted that the fears in my life were getting in the way of my relationship with Christ and my ability to fully trust in my God. I had no idea that God would use this time of strengthening for what would end of being the hardest year of my life.
     1 month later (almost to the day), a vicious tornado struck our property. We moved through Christmas in a bit of a blur, pulling together what we hoped was a fulfiling holiday for our children.
     Several weeks later, I found a large lump in my breast while getting ready for work one day. I made note of it and called my doctor that day for a slightly overdue yearly checkup and tried not to dwell on the possibilities. My doctor believed it to be a benign cyst but wanted to be conservative and sent me to a surgeon. From there, after being reassured that it was likely nothing of concern, I insisted on a biopsy. Several days later, Jeremy and I were waiting in an exam room for my followup. I never really gave in to much thought that I had anything to fear. However, as the waiting time grew longer, I began to worry. My doctor came in, clearly nervous, and said the words I never thought I would hear. "It's cancer". We went into autopilot, received the information, drove home, and started making some phone calls to family and a small circle of friends. We told our boys 2 days later.
     The next several months would be a roller coaster of emotions for us. I had surgery and the doctor confirmed that it was, indeed, a very aggressive form of breast cancer, somewhat unusual for my age, level of healthfulness, and lack of family history. My next course of treatment was determined to be several months of chemotherapy followed by 30 days of daily radiation, and 5 years of adjuvent therapy (medication). Within this time, Jeremy also lost his job of 7 years and it became a reality that we could potentially look at losing our home.
     So, here I sit, almost a full year after starting this blog. We are in a different home, managing with one semi-reliable car.  My sweet husband is desperately seeking God to figure out how he can be obedient to Him and I am feeling a little bit stronger every day. Where does that leave us? We definitely feel like we have been through a bit of a war. If you've known me for very long, I may have moments when I seem a little quieter than I was a year ago. I am definitely feeling the effects of the year, physically and emotionally. I am processing much these days-seeking God and wanting to walk with Him in everything.
     Our story definitely does not have a fairy tale ending. But, I will tell you this. God has been faithful. That may not make sense to some of you, especially if you are reading this and don't know my God well. But He has. He has provided us everything we have needed , exactly when we needed it. Not a moment before, but just in time. He has provided love to us in so many forms. He comforted  me in some dark moments when faced with thoughts of  huge unknowns, including dealing with my own mortality. He brought His people around us from the very first moment. People that said that we could be real with them. That we could cry, yell, and struggle in front of them.People that literally encircled us in praying arms and hands multiple times and wept with us. People that surrounded us in love in very physical ways from months of meals to pressing money in our hands. People that we can laugh and cry with, depending on the day. We are simultaneusly humbled and uplifted by so many of you.
     I have tears in my eyes as I reflect on the last year. Not tears of despair and loss, mind you. Tears of thankfulness. Tears of joy. Tears that remind me that I am alive and that I am loved by my Father.

I sought the Lord and He answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered in shame.

Psalm 34:4-5

Love and blessings,
Laura

My portion and my cup

Lord, you are my portion and my cup. You hold my future.  The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. I will praise the Lord who counsels me-even at night my conscience instructs me. I keep the Lord in mind always, because He is at my right hand. I will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices; my body also rests securely. For You will not abandon me to Sheol; You will not allow Your Faithful One to see decay.You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in your right hand are eternal pleasures.
Psalm 16:5-11

Ok, so I know it's been a while but God's been doing a lot of work on my heart and the heart of my little family.
     This passage has pulled hard on my soul this week and I have been reminded again that scripture is alive, powerful, and active. Our worship pastor, Stephen, read this at our Wednesday night service and I felt the familiar welling up of tears that I have experienced so many times as I sense God working. Circumstances have been uncertain for some time now in many aspects of my family's life yet we have never lost hope. We are learning to be entirely dependent on God this year in every single way imaginable. We had 2 choices. We could either become bitter and angry or rely on our Lord 100%. There was no in between. We chose to rely on Him. This is not to say that we haven't had more shaky moments that I care to count or that we have always felt certain as to our path. It does mean, however, that we always were sheltered by the Rock.
     God is our portion. He is our cup. He fills our every need. He holds our future. When we are moving through life one moment and are shaken upside down the next, He holds our every moment. The boundary lines that he places for us are seen by many as forbidding and condemning. However, I see them as fences in a yard that protect me from so many beasts in the forest. He is not holding us back. Rather, He is guarding our bodies, hearts, and souls from more than we will ever realize. I have a beautiful inheritance and a reminder that, although our lives consume us here on earth, it is but a blink of an eye compared to the inheritance God has for us in eternity. I have decided to praise the Lord even when my future feels unknown. The Lord is in my thoughts and guides even my smallest moments.I will not be shaken. I will not be shaken. (my favorite part). When I rest in Him, my body, whether sick or healthy, rests securely. He will never abandon me to Sheol, the pit. I will never be allowed to fall apart. He reveals what I need to do step by step; revealing only enough to move forward and walk in faith. When I walk in all of these ways, I have more than enough joy. Wow. What a message of hope and love.
     When I read and meditate on that passage, how can I be overwhelmed when life is not what I planned?
 When reflecting on the last 6 months, it would be easy to become bitter and frustrated. A cancer diagnosis, Jeremy's job loss, and a move. However, I choose to look at how God showed up day after day. He provided a step ahead of our needs. He provided a teaching job that only He knew I needed, countless people that have loved us through the hardest season of our life, and very physical ways of meeting our daily needs. Rather than being overcome with the losses of the last year, I choose to be overcome by the presence of my God.

*update on my health-I completed chemotherapy back at the end of May and began radiation after a week at the beach that was so generously offered to my family. My radiation was 30 treatments and I went daily for 6 weeks. I met some wonderful people through that time and came to be thankful for a team that truly cared about my whole self and my family. I completed radiation therapy on July 31st and began preplanning for a new teaching job on August 1st. My school year has been terrific and I am feeling great. I have all of my 6 month rechecks this month (MRI, mammogram, oncologist and surgeon) and continue to move towards completely renewed health and energy. Love and thankfulness to so many of you that have fulfilled emotional and physical needs for me and my family. Love, Laura
    

Praising God BEFORE He answers our prayers?

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.  Psalm 40:3

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

Praise itself is an act of faith. When we are able to praise God before we see the answers to our prayers, we're saying, Lord I trust you to work this out, according to your purpose. I'm going to thank you now for what you are going to do.
   I read a lot of books, especially in the summer when there are not so many things grasping for my attention. I was reading a Christian fiction book called "Stand by Me" and this was a sermon being preached in one of tonight's chapters and it spoke to me. (Isn't it amazing how God can use all sorts of things to get our attention?)  I love thinking about praise being an act of faith. We can all stand in church and sing but are we truly praising Him in our lives? Are we telling Him through that worship that we trust Him even when there seems to be chaos surrounding us? When we are able to put our trust in God by actively praising Him, we gain a new perspective. Usually the new perspective that God gives me is that it isn't all about me (gasp!). 
   And you know what else I've learned? The world is watching. They are waiting to see if a child of God can truly praise Him when feeling afraid. So, it's a balancing act. The balance of praising God in the quiet moments and being a outward testimony to his grace. This can actually lead others to trust in God when they are faced with a challenge. It's not, however, about being perfect.  Nobody expects that. There are so many times that I pray that God can use me despite myself. That others can see past the "Laura" to the God in me. Praising God when we don't have all the answers (or any of the answers)? Super hard to do. It can even feel impossible. But I am slowly learning to trust that God is bigger than the uncertainties in my life. I promise you, this lesson is becoming a life-changer for me and my family. 

Psalm 40:3 in the Message says, "He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God." Psalm 56:3-4 says, "When I get really afraid I come to you in trust. I'm proud to praise God; fearless now, I trust in God. What can mere mortals do?"

So, tonight I say, "Thank you, Lord for what you are going to do. Thank you for my new God-songs you have given me. I am proud for the chance to praise you. I trust in you. I love you. Thank you for my flawed worship because even then you see me as your righteous child. Oh, Lord, I want to be able to say, I am fearless now." 

A Way in the Wilderness

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19

     How many of us fear that our past decisions will impair our ability to serve God or block God's willingness to show us favor? We fear that our mistakes are bigger than anyone else's or that God will continue to hold us back even after we've asked for forgiveness. Isn't that exactly where the enemy wants us? He will watch us sin, gloat over our mess, and then convince us that we are not worthy to serve God or worth His blessings on our lives. That is a win-win for the enemy. He can't have a believer's heart but he sure can whisper lies of insufficiency and unworthiness to us.
     How do you and I avoid the cycle of sin and self-condemnation? Sometimes my desire is to look to others for acceptance to compensate for my disconnect from God. It will always backfire, however, because another person can never fulfill the sometimes un-named desire for connection with God. Have you ever felt, even as a child of God, that longing for more? The longing for connection? When I feel that sense I know that I have stepped away from God and have moved towards other sources of connections. For example, when I am struggling with a decision I tend to talk to my husband or pick up the phone and talk to a friend and then I start praying and looking for guidance in the bible. I have done that so many times without even thinking about the fact that I am working in the wrong order. First should come prayer and seeking answers in the bible and then looking to Godly counsel.
     What am I getting at? When I am feeling a cycle of the "I'm not good enoughs" hitting, I typically tend to seek others who will make me feel better. Then, when that doesn't work, I go to God in prayer. My desire is to discipline myself to go to God first for acceptance and guidance. When I learn to seek Him first, I will never again cycle through the self-condemnation. If the enemy can get us to condemn ourselves, then his job is done!
     What is your fear right now? You may feel like you are in a wilderness without a GPS. I know that is where we are right now. My lack of understanding can be frustrating. I don't know why God leads us through the wilderness but I do know that He doesn't send us out to the wilderness with a backpack and well wishes. He walks that wasteland with us. All I can do is put my hope in God and rely on His promises. He will make a path and He will provide the stream. Now, I may feel lost and thirsty before He gives me provisions but He will not fail me.
     Rely on His promises: He has redeemed you and will call you by name. You may pass through the waters but you will not drown. You may walk through the fires but you will not be burned. (Isaiah 43:1). He loves you (John 3:16).  Seek Him first and He will provide for you (Matthew 6:33). You are never condemned or defined for the past or present (Romans 8:1). He will work all things for your good if you love him and are called for His purpose (Romans 8:28).
     Life isn't easy sometimes but we can rely on the One who knows that better than anyone.

Thank you, Lord, for always accepting us. Thank you that you love us, correct us, and guide us but never condemn us. Thank you for wanting us. 

Waiting is the hardest part

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
We wait on the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:18-22

So, for those of you who have read my blog periodically over the 9 months or so, the "Year of No Fear" has been in full drive, no? We've laughed with several of you about the timing of the blog and the   course of events (yes, you have to just laugh sometimes). Several of you have noted that since I felt compelled to write this blog, we've had a tornado strike, a cancer diagnosis, and a job loss. But through the irony of the timing, I have to say that God knew (of course) what we would be faced with and I fully believe that He used that time prior of extra prayer and studying His word to prepare me for the coming months. I have spent time reading some of my posts prior to my diagnosis in February and am enthralled by the words that God gave me through those months to be used in my own life. He gave me those words to show His faithfulness and love to me.

It's been some time since I have posted-living between the reality of our situation right now and learning to wholly trust in God has been a struggle. (You can read more about it in an earlier posting http://ayearofnofear.blogspot.com/2012/02/day-40.html. )God and I have had many many discussions about the hurdles my family has been facing for the last few months. I have cycled between fear, sadness, and had moments of situational anger (mostly about my hair loss-vanity at its finest!). But you know what? We haven't struggled alone. Many of you have cried with us, prayed with us, laughed with us, and have gone through the emotions with us. Through all of this, we have not battled isolation or loneliness and I am thankful for that.

I was sent this passage from a precious friend of mine yesterday morning as we were facing a scary doctor's appointment that held the potential for news of an intensified and prolonged treatment plan. As I read this prior to the appointment, one of the parts of this that jumped out at me was the "waiting on the Lord" part. Oh, that is the hard part. I hate to wait. You can ask my extremely patient husband how anxious I become when waiting. Saying that, I feel like this season we are in has been one long "wait on the Lord". We've waited for test results, treatment, recovery from treatment, job interviews, feedback from job interviews, and the list goes on and on. I am learning, however, that God does things in His time for our good. He has given us hope over these last 5 months and he has shielded us from so much. I have had moments of feeling overwhelmed and sad but I can honestly tell you that I have been able to rejoice and praise Him as well. This season has purified my worship and brought me to Him. He understands loss better than anyone and can absorb my sadness, anger, and despair. I no longer struggle with telling God my frustrations and true feelings. He knows them anyway and it strengthens my relationship with him when I am honest about my feelings.

Please keep us in your prayers as we continue walking through the rest of my treatment and Jeremy's job search. We know God's unfailing love is with us and our hope is in Him.
In the meantime, we are spending the summer together while I work hard to grow a head of hair :)