I was listening to a song on the way to work this morning, singing my little heart out :) but a line in it got me thinking. She sang, "Heal my scars, Lord". Something didn't sit well with me. Why? Why am I uncomfortable asking God to heal my scars? We all have scars, don't we? Some of our scars are emotional and some are physical but the reality of them is the same. Our scars serve as reminders of a wound or a hurt. Some scars are new and others have faded into the color of our lives but they are a definite part of who we are.
This may be a topic that makes you feel vulnerable or exposed so I will be transparent with you and hopefully that will spur us to conversation. I'll talk physical scars first. I have 2 definite and dramatic scars that are well covered by clothing but are a constant reminder of a cancer diagnosis, a scary time, in which my family clung to each other and to God all while dealing with fears and the anxiety of this unknown disease in my body. They remind me not only of diagnosis but also of surgery, extensive treatment, and healing. They remind me of the fragile nature of life. But they also remind me of a closeness with God, of grace, of mercy. Of family, friends, and my God that loved me and carried me through a dark time. Redemption. That's what my scars spell out for me and that is why I need my scars. I need them to remind me that the same God that allows the tough circumstances also redeems me. Calls me by name. Walks through the flood and the fire before me and beside me without letting me get consumed or overtaken.
Your scars may be emotional, unseen to any eyes but tattooed to your heart in your quiet moments. They are no less important to who you are in Christ. I pray that they also tell a story of redemption and grace that go beyond the hurt and loss. Christ wants to redeem your scars. He wants to redeem you. He wants to take you to a place of freedom and mercy. A place where we are whole, not defined by our scars but reminded by them. Reminded that God uses wounds so that in our moments of fragility we are forced to trust in Him.
The wounds of Jesus on the cross were ultimately used for our healing and salvation. His scars were what physically identified him as Savior to those he met after his resurrection. So, I don't pray for my scars to be healed. May God use you and me and our scars as He allows us to be a part of His story. If you need prayer for your wounds or if you are seeking God, please feel free to contact me anytime. Much love, Laura
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds...
Jeremiah 30:17
Beach time!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
A Promise of Restoration
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." Joel 2:25
It is my big brother's birthday today and we kept joking that he was only 32 (he's my older brother). I was good with that because that would make me 29. :) Wouldn't that be wonderful to rewind a bit, perhaps give our older and mature future self some gentle warnings about the days to come? Jeremy overhead my end of the conversation and said, "NO! Don't say that! That would mean we all have to go through everything again!"
That got me thinking about restoration and this verse instantly came to mind. How many of us feel like locusts have eaten some of our prosperity, peace, or security? And sometimes the locusts seem to have pulled a chair up at an all you can eat buffet of our lives!
When we experience times of loss, regret, and difficulty, it can feel impossible to see past what could have or would have been. But then He gives us a promise. God promises not only to walk with us and hold us up but also to actually pay us back for what has been lost. This repayment may be in unexpected ways but it is always displayed in extra measures of grace. Perhaps in relationships formed, kindnesses shown by others, or in actual physical means. God knows exactly how we need to be restored and He will do it. We just need to be open to restoration and not locked into regret or bitterness.
Hold onto this promise, my dear friend. I'll be holding on with you!
It is my big brother's birthday today and we kept joking that he was only 32 (he's my older brother). I was good with that because that would make me 29. :) Wouldn't that be wonderful to rewind a bit, perhaps give our older and mature future self some gentle warnings about the days to come? Jeremy overhead my end of the conversation and said, "NO! Don't say that! That would mean we all have to go through everything again!"
That got me thinking about restoration and this verse instantly came to mind. How many of us feel like locusts have eaten some of our prosperity, peace, or security? And sometimes the locusts seem to have pulled a chair up at an all you can eat buffet of our lives!
When we experience times of loss, regret, and difficulty, it can feel impossible to see past what could have or would have been. But then He gives us a promise. God promises not only to walk with us and hold us up but also to actually pay us back for what has been lost. This repayment may be in unexpected ways but it is always displayed in extra measures of grace. Perhaps in relationships formed, kindnesses shown by others, or in actual physical means. God knows exactly how we need to be restored and He will do it. We just need to be open to restoration and not locked into regret or bitterness.
Hold onto this promise, my dear friend. I'll be holding on with you!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
An Altar of Peace
So Gideon built an altar to the Lord there and called it THE LORD IS PEACE.
Judges 6:24a
In Judges 6, The Israelites (those crazy, blessed, disobedient people!) were being oppressed by the Midians. Their tents and crops were constantly ruined by them and the Israelites were generally just ravaged by these Midians day and night. When the Israelites reached their breaking point, they cried out to God. Why didn't they do it earlier? I have no idea. Why don't we cry out to God right away? Probably because we think "we got this". He sends the Israelites a prophet who basically gives a reprimand from God himself. Something along the lines of "I delivered you, I rescued you, I told you exactly how to be obedient and still you don't listen." An angel then appeared to Gideon who is busy working and Gideon says "Pardon me, my Lord. But if the Lord is with us, why has all of this happened to us?". For some reason this line made me laugh. I think could see myself saying those same words (Ok, I'm pretty sure I have said those words to God before). The Lord Himself then appears to Gideon and commissions him out to save his people. " 'Pardon me, my Lord, ' Gideon replied, 'but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.' " Oh, sheesh, Gideon! God himself is telling you that you and He are going to save the chosen people together! The Lord assures Gideon that they will strike down the enemy together. Still Gideon asks for a sign and the Lord says he'll wait for him to return. God had to be worn out with the lot of them, no? But, oh, let's not be too quick to judge. We are just like the Israelites and Gideon in so many ways. Gideon brings some food back and the Lord instructs him to put it on a rock and fire flares up and consumes it all. At this point Gideon finally acknowledges the presence of the Lord and builds an altar of peace.
What is an altar really? I'm ashamed to say that I googled the word to see an official (ok, from Wikipedia) definition of the word. I know what it is but I had a time articulating it. I'm kind of embarrassed that I had to google such a simple word but I figure I'm all out there these days anyway. Haha. So, it says that an altar is any structure upon which offerings such as sacrifices are made. Stick with me on this one. I got to thinking about building an altar of peace in my own life. At first thought it sounds like a lovely idea. All peaceful and fragrant. And then I started thinking about the sacrifice that is required to actually make an altar, well, an altar. Sacrifice is a stinky, nasty, and painful situation. There is pain and blood and all sorts of unpleasant things that have to take place at an altar. Now, we know that there is no actual physical bloodshed required anymore at an altar since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice and pouring out of blood for everyone. But still, what would a sacrifice look like if I was building an altar of peace in my life? I think I would have to sacrifice all of the yuck in my life that takes away my peace. I might have to give up my need for control, my self-centeredness, people-pleasing, fear, anxious tendencies, my quest to ensure God's love for me, and anything else that gets in the way of peace in my life. If I could truly go through the nasty process of sacrificing all of that in my life (which is the journey I feel like I've been on for some time now), I believe I could actually have an altar of peace in my life. And just maybe I could get to the place where I could see that an altar is not intended for the well-being of the one bringing the sacrifice (me) but it is to honor the one to whom the sacrifice is being offered (God). Get it? It's not about you and me, my friends. It's about the God the altar is supposed to be honoring. My quest for peace all of these months has been all about me and my ability to have a calm spirit and a peaceful heart. Here's my Aha! moment. When I am at peace and totally trusting my God to provide and love me, I am honoring Him. It becomes less about me and all about Him!
Ok, so God just showed up here on my couch in my living room through this post. My mind is blown at the realization that God just taught me something totally new as I was writing and praying. When I am at peace, I honor Him. That is how I build an altar of peace. I sacrifice all of the uglies that keep me from peace and God is lifted up and honored above all else. As a result, people will see God for who He really is.
I know that was a lot. And maybe that was just more for me than for you (I said during one post that this blog functions like a good therapist sometimes). But I ask that you think on and pray about how we can build an altar of peace in our lives. Not for our happiness but for His glory.
Much love, Laura (an Israelite at heart that keeps disobeying and is continually shown grace time and time again)
Judges 6:24a
In Judges 6, The Israelites (those crazy, blessed, disobedient people!) were being oppressed by the Midians. Their tents and crops were constantly ruined by them and the Israelites were generally just ravaged by these Midians day and night. When the Israelites reached their breaking point, they cried out to God. Why didn't they do it earlier? I have no idea. Why don't we cry out to God right away? Probably because we think "we got this". He sends the Israelites a prophet who basically gives a reprimand from God himself. Something along the lines of "I delivered you, I rescued you, I told you exactly how to be obedient and still you don't listen." An angel then appeared to Gideon who is busy working and Gideon says "Pardon me, my Lord. But if the Lord is with us, why has all of this happened to us?". For some reason this line made me laugh. I think could see myself saying those same words (Ok, I'm pretty sure I have said those words to God before). The Lord Himself then appears to Gideon and commissions him out to save his people. " 'Pardon me, my Lord, ' Gideon replied, 'but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.' " Oh, sheesh, Gideon! God himself is telling you that you and He are going to save the chosen people together! The Lord assures Gideon that they will strike down the enemy together. Still Gideon asks for a sign and the Lord says he'll wait for him to return. God had to be worn out with the lot of them, no? But, oh, let's not be too quick to judge. We are just like the Israelites and Gideon in so many ways. Gideon brings some food back and the Lord instructs him to put it on a rock and fire flares up and consumes it all. At this point Gideon finally acknowledges the presence of the Lord and builds an altar of peace.
What is an altar really? I'm ashamed to say that I googled the word to see an official (ok, from Wikipedia) definition of the word. I know what it is but I had a time articulating it. I'm kind of embarrassed that I had to google such a simple word but I figure I'm all out there these days anyway. Haha. So, it says that an altar is any structure upon which offerings such as sacrifices are made. Stick with me on this one. I got to thinking about building an altar of peace in my own life. At first thought it sounds like a lovely idea. All peaceful and fragrant. And then I started thinking about the sacrifice that is required to actually make an altar, well, an altar. Sacrifice is a stinky, nasty, and painful situation. There is pain and blood and all sorts of unpleasant things that have to take place at an altar. Now, we know that there is no actual physical bloodshed required anymore at an altar since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice and pouring out of blood for everyone. But still, what would a sacrifice look like if I was building an altar of peace in my life? I think I would have to sacrifice all of the yuck in my life that takes away my peace. I might have to give up my need for control, my self-centeredness, people-pleasing, fear, anxious tendencies, my quest to ensure God's love for me, and anything else that gets in the way of peace in my life. If I could truly go through the nasty process of sacrificing all of that in my life (which is the journey I feel like I've been on for some time now), I believe I could actually have an altar of peace in my life. And just maybe I could get to the place where I could see that an altar is not intended for the well-being of the one bringing the sacrifice (me) but it is to honor the one to whom the sacrifice is being offered (God). Get it? It's not about you and me, my friends. It's about the God the altar is supposed to be honoring. My quest for peace all of these months has been all about me and my ability to have a calm spirit and a peaceful heart. Here's my Aha! moment. When I am at peace and totally trusting my God to provide and love me, I am honoring Him. It becomes less about me and all about Him!
Ok, so God just showed up here on my couch in my living room through this post. My mind is blown at the realization that God just taught me something totally new as I was writing and praying. When I am at peace, I honor Him. That is how I build an altar of peace. I sacrifice all of the uglies that keep me from peace and God is lifted up and honored above all else. As a result, people will see God for who He really is.
I know that was a lot. And maybe that was just more for me than for you (I said during one post that this blog functions like a good therapist sometimes). But I ask that you think on and pray about how we can build an altar of peace in our lives. Not for our happiness but for His glory.
Much love, Laura (an Israelite at heart that keeps disobeying and is continually shown grace time and time again)
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Why do we care?
A conversation today got me thinking: Why do we care so much about what other people think of us? On the other hand, shouldn't we care since, as believers, we are His representative?
It's a tough balance to strike and I'll be honest, it is one of my toughest daily struggles. If I am doing the right thing and it bothers someone else, I should have the confidence in the One who gives me conviction to stand in assurance, regardless of others' opinions. Similarly, if I am striving to please people, I am most likely missing the mark. Isn't that the real issue? Much of my time and emotional energy is spent on pleasing people-wondering if someone approves of me or likes me. If I took that same time and energy and invested it in reading my bible and spending time with God, wouldn't that replace my need to please people?
So, I went in search of a verse that might apply.
Am I now trying to win human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
Well, alrighty then. That pretty much clears things up. I can't try to win the approval of people and God simultaneously.In fact, if I am trying to please people, I am not serving Christ. Impossible to do both? I guess so. But didn't I already know that? I know that when I am so concerned about an opinion of me, then I am not focused at all on Christ and His instant approval of me. He approves of me just because I am His. And because He is the great I AM. I don't have to understand why He loves and approves of me even when I am completely in my flesh-selfish and consumed with my needs only. He loves and approves of me simply because I am His adopted child. And when I am walking in that, I am always going to be a representative of Jesus. Amen and amen.
Much to think about and much love to you!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Waiting for a season of singing
"See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Songs 2:11
So, I was blessed with an opportunity to have some downtime this weekend at a women's retreat in gorgeous Asheville, NC. The company was great, the speaker insightful, and the view was spectacular. But here's the most important thing: I heard God this weekend. I heard Him through His word.
I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I am waiting for a "season of singing". When I began to reflect on this, my heart cried out to God. Why, when crisis has passed, do we still struggle? I began to think on this and talk to God about this. And the very next scripture he brought to me was in Ecclesiastes 3, vs 1-8.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stories and a time to gather,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I have heard that scripture read many times before. I heard it sung as a child (For every season, turn turn turn...) but I've never dwelled on it before. You know what, friend? Whatever season you are in is just that. A season. Seasons don't last forever but even when a long winter is ending, the frozen land has to thaw bit by bit. And when we've had a winter-type season of loss or pain, and the freeze has been deep, it takes much warmth and time to get to the deepest layers of ice. When our hurts run very deep, it takes longer to heal those wounds.
Why do we expect ourselves to blossom as soon as winter is over? I feel often times we have a self-imposed pressure to produce flowers as soon as a crisis is "over". We think that people expect us to move on, work through, get over things as quickly as possible. That may be true. Let's face it. Crisis generally makes people uncomfortable. We don't like to see someone we love struggle. Never knowing what to say, what to do.
I do, however, believe we shouldn't linger in a valley when God is providing us hope, healing and restoration. But I know that we have to allow ourselves to heal completely from the deepest of wounds, whether the wound is emotional, physical, or spiritual. And your dearest of friends will give you the grace to do that. More importantly, our God gives us the grace.
So, I know my season of singing is coming. I do. I feel like God is preparing me for it. But for now, I will rest in His arms where He gives me the time and grace to heal and strengthen. For now, I know that He is taking delight in me and singing over me.
The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you in singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
Dear friend, give yourself the time to heal that God himself gives us. There is a season for it. Allow Him to sing over you and so you can rest in His delight. You don't have to earn it. You just have to rest in it. There will be a season of singing soon. Hold on!
So, I was blessed with an opportunity to have some downtime this weekend at a women's retreat in gorgeous Asheville, NC. The company was great, the speaker insightful, and the view was spectacular. But here's the most important thing: I heard God this weekend. I heard Him through His word.
I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I am waiting for a "season of singing". When I began to reflect on this, my heart cried out to God. Why, when crisis has passed, do we still struggle? I began to think on this and talk to God about this. And the very next scripture he brought to me was in Ecclesiastes 3, vs 1-8.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stories and a time to gather,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I have heard that scripture read many times before. I heard it sung as a child (For every season, turn turn turn...) but I've never dwelled on it before. You know what, friend? Whatever season you are in is just that. A season. Seasons don't last forever but even when a long winter is ending, the frozen land has to thaw bit by bit. And when we've had a winter-type season of loss or pain, and the freeze has been deep, it takes much warmth and time to get to the deepest layers of ice. When our hurts run very deep, it takes longer to heal those wounds.
Why do we expect ourselves to blossom as soon as winter is over? I feel often times we have a self-imposed pressure to produce flowers as soon as a crisis is "over". We think that people expect us to move on, work through, get over things as quickly as possible. That may be true. Let's face it. Crisis generally makes people uncomfortable. We don't like to see someone we love struggle. Never knowing what to say, what to do.
I do, however, believe we shouldn't linger in a valley when God is providing us hope, healing and restoration. But I know that we have to allow ourselves to heal completely from the deepest of wounds, whether the wound is emotional, physical, or spiritual. And your dearest of friends will give you the grace to do that. More importantly, our God gives us the grace.
So, I know my season of singing is coming. I do. I feel like God is preparing me for it. But for now, I will rest in His arms where He gives me the time and grace to heal and strengthen. For now, I know that He is taking delight in me and singing over me.
The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you in singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
Dear friend, give yourself the time to heal that God himself gives us. There is a season for it. Allow Him to sing over you and so you can rest in His delight. You don't have to earn it. You just have to rest in it. There will be a season of singing soon. Hold on!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The scary thing about fear
The scary thing about fear is that it can attack out of nowhere. I've been feeling more peaceful these days-hubby has recently landed a good job, kids are happy and settled, I am exactly a full year (today!) post cancer treatment and starting to feel pretty 'normal'. But all of those good feelings were gone in an instant several days ago. I had a health scare related to last year's cancer that really rocked me to my core and made me fear my 'tomorrows'. I quickly realized that, although I carry a confidence in Christ, my feelings of security or fear are so often purely situational. Things are going well, I am peaceful. Things are uncertain, I am anxious. You may be thinking that is just a part of being human. Well, shouldn't we want more than just being like the rest of the world? I want the peace of Christ to truly replace my worries about tomorrow. This is not, mind you, a drive of myself to be "Super Christian!!!" (cue the super hero music). It is actually quite the opposite. It's a willingness to put myself and my pride in submission to God.
Interestingly enough, I recently watched a session of Beth Moore, in which she said that "Feeling anxious or worried about how I will handle a situation is just another form of pride." Honestly, when I heard that, I thought, "Well, sister, you and I are going to have to agree to disagree on that one!" But then I took a moment to step outside of my prickly defenses and saw the truth. Here is what God revealed to me: If I am worrying, I am saying that 1. I'm in charge and 2. The outcome is up to me. In other words, the more I worry and fret the more I feel like I can work out a solution to the problem in front of me. If I am trying to hold onto that control, there is no way that I am allowing God to work in me. I can't have it both ways-praying for God to work the situation out and trying to do it on my own. Ok. Wow. I gotcha, God.
God's clearly been working on me for a while now but I have many miles to go on my journey. Oh, and never think you have something "handled" because something will happen that will show you just how susceptible you are to falling into old thought patterns. So, I'm back at it. Praying about and working out my fear issues again. But by the grace and love of my God, He just keeps lifting me up and carrying me through.
We did receive a great report from the doctor this week regarding my concerns. I am thankful and humbled by His continued faithfulness. My prayer is that the next time I face uncertainty (and I most certainly will!) that I can take it to God and God alone. I have learned much from this, though. I am most definitely a faulty, but grateful, child of my Abba.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
Interestingly enough, I recently watched a session of Beth Moore, in which she said that "Feeling anxious or worried about how I will handle a situation is just another form of pride." Honestly, when I heard that, I thought, "Well, sister, you and I are going to have to agree to disagree on that one!" But then I took a moment to step outside of my prickly defenses and saw the truth. Here is what God revealed to me: If I am worrying, I am saying that 1. I'm in charge and 2. The outcome is up to me. In other words, the more I worry and fret the more I feel like I can work out a solution to the problem in front of me. If I am trying to hold onto that control, there is no way that I am allowing God to work in me. I can't have it both ways-praying for God to work the situation out and trying to do it on my own. Ok. Wow. I gotcha, God.
God's clearly been working on me for a while now but I have many miles to go on my journey. Oh, and never think you have something "handled" because something will happen that will show you just how susceptible you are to falling into old thought patterns. So, I'm back at it. Praying about and working out my fear issues again. But by the grace and love of my God, He just keeps lifting me up and carrying me through.
We did receive a great report from the doctor this week regarding my concerns. I am thankful and humbled by His continued faithfulness. My prayer is that the next time I face uncertainty (and I most certainly will!) that I can take it to God and God alone. I have learned much from this, though. I am most definitely a faulty, but grateful, child of my Abba.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Thankful for cancer
Ah, do I have your attention? I have said up until recently (even a couple of weeks ago in a conversation with my mom) that I didn't think that I would ever be thankful for my cancer diagnosis. I can, however, examine the last year and see how God was timely and abundantly providing for our needs. But not thankful for cancer. Not. Thankful. Not appreciative of surgery, chemo, fear and worry. Nope. Not thankful.
Well, as is generally my story, God used my belligerent little stomping foot to reveal Himself to me through His Word.
I've naturally been drawn to the Psalms throughout this year. I am bolstered by the despair, hope, hopelessness, and ultimate reliance on God even when the path is dimly lit. I am amazed by the Psalmists' ability to not only question God's presence but also passionately praise a God that doesn't always reveal Himself in our timing.
Sometimes I read Psalms with a strategy but more often I pick a passage and start reading. That is what I did last night, looking for some encouragement and clarity. I started around chapter 117 and moved through several chapters. I reached Psalm 119:71 and this is what I read:
Well, as is generally my story, God used my belligerent little stomping foot to reveal Himself to me through His Word.
I've naturally been drawn to the Psalms throughout this year. I am bolstered by the despair, hope, hopelessness, and ultimate reliance on God even when the path is dimly lit. I am amazed by the Psalmists' ability to not only question God's presence but also passionately praise a God that doesn't always reveal Himself in our timing.
Sometimes I read Psalms with a strategy but more often I pick a passage and start reading. That is what I did last night, looking for some encouragement and clarity. I started around chapter 117 and moved through several chapters. I reached Psalm 119:71 and this is what I read:
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I could learn Your statutes." (Psalm 119:71)
Well, that is pretty clear. I began thinking and praying about our present circumstances and those of the past year. If this is your first time reading my blog or "meeting" me, I will sum it up chronologically: started writing "A Year of No Fear" (Nov 25 2011), tornado hit our property (Dec 2011), I was diagnosed with very aggressive breast cancer (Feb 2012), hubby lost his job (April 2012), we lost our home and a car (August 2012), and hubby was unemployed for 14 months. When I began this blog, my goal was to become more disciplined in the scriptures, specifically as it relates to the effect that fear has on our lives. I had no idea that I was being prepared for a battle. I periodically look back at earlier entries and see God all over them, readying me for the coming months.
So, back to being thankful for cancer. This disease, this evidence of a fallen world, afforded me two pathways. I could either crawl into bed for 6 months until it was over, or I could ask God to carry me, teach me, guide me. I did have plenty of "crawl into bed" moments. I had some "poor me" days. I had many times that my crying out to God and my just plain old crying were virtually indistinguishable. But mostly I chose. Chose to worship and chose to understand that God would use this one day. And I read scriptures. Poured over them in a desperate attempt to make sense of our "today". Searched for answers and encouragement. Looked for the superstars of the bible that so often felt hopeless. And you know what happened? These truths, these statutes, took root in my heart. Gave me permission to cry, doubt, question, and rage. But then something interesting happened. I began to accept, bless, praise, and hope.
Cancer, my affliction, reminded me that although this earthly life can be so very heartbreaking, I have a Savior who loves me, weeps with me, carries me, and understands any emotion I bring to His feet.
I was wrong. I am thankful for my cancer.
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