Beach time!

Beach time!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I hate "cancer days"

They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
Psalm 112:7
     "I hate cancer days". This is how Jeremy summed up our day today.
     Anyone that has had a diagnosis understands that once you get through the worst of it, there are years and years of checkups that will test both your faith and your patience. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for conscientious doctors that care for me and my family, both physically and emotionally. But these days are exhausting. I always say that I don't fully realize how much these appointments worry me until they are over and I feel the relief that comes with a doctor giving an all clear for 6 more months.
      So, why did I use this verse, you wonder? Because I wonder if I can ever get there-to the place of complete acceptance and peace. I'm not sure if, in my "pre-cancer" days, I feared bad news. I had normal concerns and worries, mostly about my children. But I don't recall having regular fear of bad news. I certainly didn't fear bad news related to my own personal health. Once you receive a potentially life-changing diagnosis, so much changes. You end up having to work through those thoughts (even if they are fleeting) of what it would mean to those around you if God's ultimate plan isn't to heal you.
     This fear of bad news isn't limited to health scares. Perhaps a marriage is shaky or a spouse is about to lose his job. How do we, as believers, not fear bad news? I'll be honest. I don't have a good answer here because I am clearly still working this one out. I don't want to leave you hanging, though. I do know this: When I am walking with my God daily and committing every circumstance and every moment to him, I fear less. I didn't say I was fearless. I just fear less than I do when I am working in my own emotions and feelings.
     Life can change in a single moment. In a phone call. In a doctor's appointment. We have all lived through enough adversity to know that. But I know that my God does care for me. I trust in Him.
But I still hate cancer days.
Lord, remind me that you do not want me to fear bad news. Help me to look to you and confidently trust in you to care for me. Thank you for loving me through the moments of self-reliance and for guiding me into a life of You-reliance.

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