When I walk through the waters

God has had me on a scriptural walk recently. As I wrote these truths, I began feeling like maybe someone else needs to be reminded that God already loves us, despite imperfections. That He's already redeemed us. Adopted us. Accepts us. 

When things feel like a lose/lose, God HIMSELF is my defense and saves me. 

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, THE LORD HIMSELF, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.

Isaiah 12:2

When I keep my mind clear and focused on him, despite uncertainty and that there are often more questions than answers.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. 

Isaiah 26:3

When I'm not sure what to do...

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21

When I wonder if God can fix the situation. When I feel like something is hopeless.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?

Isaiah 40:12

When I feel afraid or alone.

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'

Isaiah 41:13

When things are falling apart and I need a reminder that I am loved by King Jesus. my Redeemer, my Healer, my Abba Father.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. 

Isaiah 54:10

The week God gave me more than I could handle

There was this week about 4 1/2 years ago that God gave me more than I could handle. Immediately some readers got uncomfortable I bet. Because the idea that "God will never give you more than you can handle" is often accepted as scripture. But it's totally wrong.

     First I'll tell you about that fateful week. I had received a devastating cancer diagnosis several weeks earlier. It was the week of my first chemo. I was so very nervous about all of it. On Thursday of 'that' week, I go for my 4 hours of chemotherapy and Friday I'm at school, mostly because I had used up my sick time with the surgery and other appointments. I'm at school, frankly feeling like garbage, willing it to be the end of the day. I get called into my principal's office and I'm told I've been cut from my teaching job due to projected numbers for the upcoming school year. I call my husband to pick me up from school as I am too sick to drive. We are anxious and beyond devastated. Our conversations are filled with "what ifs". Salary, benefits, security-it's all terrifying. Three days later, as I am at home, trying to manage the chemo symptoms, my husband calls me and tells me he's coming home early and he needs to talk. Definitely not a good sign. He was laid off from the bank where he was employed. Seriously, God? It's too much. 

     Okay...more than we can handle? I absolutely can assure you that all of this was more than we could handle, either collectively or individually. So where did that leave me? If I felt like God was only giving this to me because He only tests his strongest warriors, or because he knew I could handle it, I would be left feeling depressed and insecure. Because with that mentality, what do I do with the feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency? I have to internalize them and manage them on my own. After all, he wouldn't ask me to walk through a fire that I couldn't handle. Right?

    Wrong. God desires that we admit our total and utter weakness and our need to rely on him. To cry out to him. To fall on our faces before him and acknowledge the truth of God's grace being sufficient and his power being perfected where we have weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

    When we admit our ultimate need for him, then we receive the strength that comes from God alone. A strength that helps you survive the worst day, week, or year. God may one day give you more than you can handle. Maybe he already has. But I assure you. I know a Savior who can handle anything this broken world causes. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

May It Be.

Every Christmas since I was a child, I think of Mary, serenely and quietly sitting, holding the baby Jesus, glowing, smiling. And unrealistic. She was just a girl, given a task of birthing the Savior of the world.

Mary. A young girl, thought to be barely a teenager, caught between childhood and adulthood, yet promised to a man she hardly knew, who was already planning their lives together.

But here's my burning question: How did Mary find her favor with the most high God?

What Mary was asked to do was hard. She was potentially risking it all, according to the culture of the day. Rejection of family and friends, the inability to ever marry or be able to make a living. Could she have told the angel 'no'? I believe so but I also believe that God knew what her answer would be and that she would do what was being asked of her. But she was terrified and all she had go by was what an angel was telling her, which contradicted everything her mind was telling her.

The angel said, "Do not be afraid." Mary trembled in fear.

The angel said, "You will become pregnant." Mary knew she'd never been intimate with any man, including her fiancé.

The angel said, "Your cousin, who is a little past her prime, is pregnant-6 months!"

And Mary pauses. Even though she might lose it all, she pauses. Without having the entire picture in front of her, she pauses. She trembles in fear, but she pauses still.  And in that pause, she speaks her heart.

Are we like Mary? Even when God is doing something through us because he has found favor with us, do we tremble in fear? Do we question our worth? Our abilities? Do we beg him to choose someone else? But what if we are THE ONE? The one with whom God has found favor. Not the first and not the last (God has found favor with many and will find it with many more) but the ONE for this moment? The ONE who can minister to someone else who needs to know someone cares. The ONE who can remind someone that God still cares. The ONE who can share her story of redemption.

After all of those emotions, Mary says, "May it be. I am the Lord's servant. May it be according to His will."

From fear to surrender. Fear is all consuming and tells us why we shouldn't do what is being asked of us. Surrender is yielding to the authority of someone else, acknowledging their authority and wisdom. Fear will beg us not to give up control. Because what will happen if we give up control of our lives? BUT WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF WE GIVE UP CONTROL OF OUR LIVES?

But Mary did not just surrender, she submitted. She put her fears, needs, and her very self aside and served her God with her heart, her body, and her life. God's plans became more important that her own life plans. She chose to submit but also chose not to do so begrudgingly.

Hasn't God asked to do everything he asked Mary to do? Submission and surrender, even when it is scary, unsure, and our head tells us it will all fall apart. Surrender feels impossible in the moment. We feel like we are giving up so much, and maybe we are. But what if what we are gaining in the trade off is so. much. more???

What if the life we feel like grasping on to is such a small part of the life He desires for us? What if Mary had said "No"? Would God have punished her? Ruined her life? I don't believe so because that's not the character of the God I serve. But look at what she would have missed. Being the mother of Jesus. All the joy, so much pain but the MOM OF JESUS.

What is God asking us to surrender to this Christmas season? This year? This lifetime? Maybe in our surrender we will change the course of our lives, our family's lives, and the lives of those around us. May we surrender every moment and every day. May we surrender in the small ways and the big ways. There is peace in the surrender even in uncertainty. How can we fear the outcome when we know our lives are held in the hands of King Jesus?

The 5 things that cancer taught me

Recently I was asked to participate in an article in my local newspaper that was focusing on cancer survivors. The theme was "What I learned from cancer". I didn't have a hard time coming up with one. Rather, it was difficult narrowing the lessons down to one sentence blurb. The answer I gave was neatly wrapped up. The reality is not quite as easily packaged, as many of you are all too familiar.

What I learned from cancer:

1. The enemy wants to destroy. In the raw moment of my cancer diagnosis on a cold Wednesday evening, we momentarily felt our hope slip past us. I knew in that very moment that if the enemy could destroy our hope and our spirit, he could kill our joy. We began a journey slightly in which we chose life. Chose hope. Chose joy.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)

2. It's okay to hurt and struggle, even in front of people. This was a tough one for me. I had to learn that it was healthy to have times when others saw that sometimes cancer just hurts. Sometimes cancer makes you cry. Sometimes cancer makes you feel terrified. And when we allow others into those moments, we often create a vulnerability that bridges relationships and points people to Him. Who understands suffering more than Jesus?
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our inequities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

3. Your relationships will change. While some people around you might have difficulty "doing life" with someone in pain, many more press in and intentionally walk beside you and carry you when you can't quite seem to walk on your own. Relationships become more real, More sacred. Just more.
"...who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:4

4. God can (and will) use your scars. My scars are not a reminder of being wounded. They are my reminders of redemption, healing, and grace. I see my scars every day. Sometimes in a passing glance but other times in complete reverence with the humble realization that God chose to heal me fully.
"For I will restore you to health and heal your wounds..."Jeremiah 30:17

5. Baldness can be a part of a testimony. As devastating as it can be to outwardly show evidence of sickness and treatment, baldness allows people to have a glimpse into the pain. And everyone relates to pain at varying levels. God provided countless opportunities for raw and vulnerable conversations in my 'bald season' that otherwise might not have happened. Being able to praise Him during treatment, both in the quiet and while people were watching, were some of my most humbling and worshipful moments. And I am forever grateful for those moments.
"Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

Does God ignore his children?

In our recent history, we've struggled with mistaking God's "no's" for his absence. When we ask (and beg, plead and bargain) for God to change something, fix something, stop something, it often doesn't work out the way we picture it happening. Or even the way we've diligently prayed for it to happen. What we may view as indifferent silence or all out absence, may actually be a resounding "NO".


Working this out made me think about my children. When they ask (and beg, plead and bargain) for something that is not in their best, do I ignore them? Of course not! I consider the outcomes and many times I have to say "No" because, let's face it, our kids don't always know what is best for them. Or even if they know in their heart what is right, it's not as important as getting their way, regardless of consequences. If my 11 year old asks and pleads for a late bedtime, he isn't thinking about how tired it will make him feel the next morning. He is focused on getting his way in the moment. But when he asks, I am not indifferent or absent. I respond out of love, keeping him from doing something that is not for his best.


Isn't that how we act with our heavenly father? We ask (and beg, plead and bargain) and when our circumstances remain exactly the same without an inch of movement towards what we desire, we assume God is absent and indifferent. But God told me this tonight: He is so very present to us. Close enough to say no anytime I want to do something that is not for my best. He loves his children enough to continue to say "No" even when it hurts him. Even when he knows that our desires will make us happy. But he is working, my friend. He is always working. Even when our circumstances tell us otherwise.

Why I had to fail

Many of you know my testimony that emerged out of the last several years. I set out almost 3 years ago determined that my diligent research and study on the stronghold of fear would eradicate this giant in my life. This quest became my personal challenge. 1 year-every day-studying, praying, and writing. Not a bad goal by any means but God wanted more than I knew at that time I would have to give. He wanted more than my determination and drive to "fix myself". So, we walked through a tremendous season of loss-cancer, total financial devastation, and a general upending of our secure lives. 
The very things that God had prompted me to write about, we began experiencing first hand. Take a read (click the highlighted titles to read the original posting).

On December 1, 2011 I wrote this in "Calm in a Storm" (6 weeks prior):
However, Christ doesn't always "calm the storm" in the way that we would like. Sometimes really terrible things happen and our fears come true. Our boat capsizes in the storm. 
Just remember that even in the worst storms of life-the hopeless diagnosis, the financial crisis, the unexpected crushing loss-Jesus is not sleeping. He is calming storms around us and inviting us to rest in Him. His shoulders are broad enough for our anxieties and fears and he wants to carry them for us. Grow my faith, Lord!

On December 5, 2011 in "A Promise of Trouble" I wrote this:
His Word does, however, guarantee a peace if we are willing to walk with Him-step by step, moment by moment. I'll be honest with you. I'm still not sure how to do this but I know in my heart it has everything to do with surrender-surrender of our fears of loss, rejection, hurt. And I know that if Jesus said it, then it is absolutely true. It is possible to have peace in the times of troubles, heartbreak, and devastation. Peace, mind you, doesn't mean we have to understand what we are going through or that we can't struggle with it. Peace is knowing that God is on the throne and we are not (how messy my life would be if I was on the throne!). Peace is knowing that God will never let me down when the humans around me fail. Peace is knowing that one day I will be with him forever and that this life is like a vapor compared to the eternity we will spend in worship. 

On January 17, 2012, "Jumping Without a Safety Net", I prayed this:
Lord, I give you this year. I know you have a purpose in my studies on fear and I see the way it is intertwining with your plan for our family. Guide us with confidence and the assurance of the One who has already overcome.

On January 19, 2012, "A Different View of Prospering", I wrote
 I do have a distinct feeling, however, that God is working to break open my quiet sense of comfort and security. I believe that we are ready to be stretched and this verse will carry us through any uncertainty that may come. This verse will breathe new peace into my life throughout these times.
God's plans for us go through stages of change and times of stability. May I never become complacent in the quiet times and may I never fear God-ordained change.

On January 25, 2012 (the very day before I found the cancerous lump in my breast), I wrote the following in  "An Invitation to Be Tested?"
How willing am I to put my heart and my anxious thoughts under God's microscope? Am I willing to be tested by God? What if I knew that going through all of that would make my heavenly relationship more intimate and my earthly relationships more fulfilling and purposeful?

I could go on and on. It's apparent to me at this point that God was more intensely preparing me the closer I got to that cancer diagnosis in the middle of February, 2012 and all of the losses that would occur over the course of only a couple of months. 

Was God preparing me through these studies? Absolutely. I have no doubt that in the months leading up to that season, I was training for a battle-a battle for my soul, mind, and my life. But I also think that I had to fail in my own attempt at self-help so that He could be glorified in my insufficiency. God knew that my determination to "not fear" might not endure and could be blown away by the very first wind. I believe he allowed it all so that all I was left with was Christ. Period. 

Do I still fear? Yes, I do. I'm human. 

But one thing has changed. Fear no longer has an icy grip on my heart. My God has a grip instead. 

Is it all worth it? I'm beginning to think it is. 

The idol I didn't know I had (that you may have too)

OK, so we all have our struggles. But on a basic level, aren't many of our struggles based on our identity being somewhere other than Christ? Here's what I mean. So many of us (myself included) are on a quest to lose weight, get to a certain size, or a particular level of physical fitness. Nothing wrong with honoring the body God gave us-keeping it healthy and as pure as a possible. But for many of us (again, myself included), it goes way beyond being healthy. This quest becomes who I am, what I am, and how valuable I am.


 As my dear friend and I were discussing this unhealthy focus on our weight and body image, she said that this very thing had become an idol in her life. Whoa. Idol is a big word. As in "Do not have any idols before Me" (says God Himself). But in my heart I knew she was right. An idol is anything that replaces, in time and attention, my adoration of God. It occurred to me the amount of time that I spend worrying about what I eat, feeling guilty about what I eat (oh, those 3 jelly munchkins I ate today!), and thinking about how to eat perfectly is completely out of balance with the minimal time that I spend with the One who thinks that I am perfect exactly as I am. Not perfect as soon as I lose 15 pounds. Perfect now. As in today.


And how much do I break the heart of my Creator? Every single day that I feel like I wish I was better, prettier, or thinner I put a small distance between He and I. I am saying that He is insufficient for my needs and not enough to make me happy. I am telling him that I will be valuable as soon as I meet my goals. Even as I type this, I keep backspacing and retyping because it looks ridiculous in print. But I know that I am not alone in my thoughts.


So how do we rid ourselves of this idol? When people in the Old Testament wanted no part of idolatry the bible says they had to "Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and burn their Asherah poles in the fire; cut down the idols of their gods and wipe out their names from those places." (Deuteronomy 12:3)
They weren't told to ignore the idols or put them out of reach. They were commanded to completely destroy them so that the idols were beyond repair or potential worship in the future. My friends, we must do the same thing with our idols-any idols-that are taking our time, our attention, our joy.


Until I have a clearer answer, I will begin by saturating my heart, mind, and soul with God's word that affirms my identity in the God who creates, loves, and finds me precious. Just as I am.


Oh, yes, you shaped me first inside, then out. you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God-you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration-what a creation!
You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted  from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
Psalms 139:13-16 (MSG)


Oh, Lord. May I allow you to speak over me instead of speaking over myself. You long for me to find my value in you as you sing over me. I just need to listen to how much you rejoice in me exactly as I am. Exactly as you created me. Please forgive me for acting as if you are insufficient to make me happy and complete, lacking nothing and highly valued. Please help me to tear down my idols. I know this is what I have to do. Thank you for loving me with an everlasting love. Thank you for delighting in me even when I don't feel delightful.




*Thanks to, Keshia, for her perspective and honesty on this subject that is sensitive to so many.
 Love you and your transparency. We'll knock down these idols that have been up for so many years!

I am the clay

A potter works diligently on a particularly stubborn lump of clay. He kneads, tosses, and thumps it into submission. With a determined look in his eyes and the rest of the world blurry beyond the clay, he works until his forearms burn. He has a picture in his mind. A picture not of the formless mass in his hands but of a beautiful vase. A vase that will hold the tulips of her beloved or the wilted dandelions of her young son. So he works. As the clay begins to submit to his authority, it begins to slowly take shape. It's not quite beautiful yet but he can see its innermost potential. Once it is on the wheel, water is added, along with patience and determination. Several times it forms an unknown shape, closer to a bowl or something else outside of the potter's vision. With patience and determination, he perseveres until the shape in front of him matches the vision of his imagination. He sets it to dry, waiting for its turn in the kiln. Once fired, he is so very pleased. He imagines a young family buying it from his humble shop, excited about a purchase for their home.

God formed us in the same way-with love, patience, and a vision of who He wants us to be. This happened before we were even born and it continues every day as we grow in Him if we are willing to be flexible enough to let the potter work in us and through us. But what happens if we allow others to change our identity outside of Christ? Through expectations, criticism, and insecurities, we can lose part of our identity in our maker, our potter. If someone came into that pottery shop and said that the vase was ugly and had no use, does that change the potter's view of his creation? Certainly not. The opinions of others have no bearing on our true identity in our Father.

It is so very important that when I am tempted to focus on myself that I look to my potter instead. The One who sees my beauty and righteousness. The One who sees me as "wonderfully made". The One who sees my potential instead of my filth. The One who looks at me and sees the very vision in His mind that he used as a blueprint when He created me.

May our identities always be in who you say we are, Lord. Help us to honor our creator by being willing to be formed into what you desire for us. Thank you for loving us even we feel unlovable and unusable.

Oh  Lord, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8

Ponytails and returning to rest

Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For You, Lord, rescued me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, even when I said, "I am severely afflicted." Psalm 116:7-8

I've been "sitting" on this verse for several days now. Working it out, praying it out. I felt like God was telling me to wait. I even sat down and typed the verse 2 days ago and stopped. And then tonight I had a "yippee!" moment. My hair, after losing it almost 2 years ago to chemo, is finally long enough to be in a (very) little pony tail right now as I type this. So not a big deal to many but a really big deal to me. It's not about the hair. Ok, so maybe it's a little about the hair. But it's more the evidence of my healing, both emotional and physical, over this past year. It has been frustrating at times, feeling like I should be completely over everything but still having moments when I haven't quite felt 100% like my normal self. But every day I get a little closer. And then just like that, I have a ponytail! :)

So, this verse really sums up where I am right now. I feel like my soul is returning to rest after a long and tumultuous season of loss. My Lord chose to heal me and for that I am more thankful than I have the words to express.

My husband and I can talk about the future without fear. My children laugh until their stomachs hurt.  We are walking in the land of the living. And even though I always believed, even in my darkest of days, now I can return to rest.

I hope and pray that you can return to rest as well, my friends. You may not be in a season of rest right now. But hold on, dear one. Your season of rest is coming. Just keep believing in the God that rescues you and upholds you with His right hand.

Much love and blessings.

I am not a survivor

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. John 10:10 (The Message)

     Over the past year or so, I have tried to pinpoint why I have a difficult time identifying with the title of "survivor". Many who have had a cancer diagnosis like mine rightfully wear this title as a badge of honor or a crown. I haven't quite gotten there. I am not ashamed of what I've been through, as mine is a story of healing and redemption, but I don't feel like a survivor. 

   

      I think I actually feel like a "thriver". God brought me through so much to not just crawl out of the pit but to also have "more and a better life than (I) ever dreamed of". Granted, many days have been about survival but I want people to look at my life and understand that God has not just kept me from death, but that I am joyful about life and that I am truly thriving. I feel happy.

     

     Perhaps my season of singing has started. My season of blooming. I don't know what God will choose to bring me to in the coming days but I know that my past has made me strong in Him, willing to surrender to his authority.

    

     I can see with clarity that there is purpose in the pain. Would I choose to walk through it all again? Ooh. That's a hard one. it was such a painful season but as I look at where he is bringing my family, it makes me pause and think. I don't think I can say truthfully that I would willingly choose the pain but I definitely accept my path. I accept it so that I can give credit to the One who redeems, who knows me and calls me by my name. Who loves me.

     I am not a survivor. I am a thriver. 

I love Him more today

I recently read the following tweet from Beth Moore: We think we'd love God more if we had pain-dodging, success-driven, trouble-detouring lives but it's not true. It's faith that fans fervor.

     I've taken a few days and thought this over. I've thought about all that my family has lost over the past year and a half. I pondered the fears we've experienced, many of which became a reality that we had to walk through. I thought about the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that we have felt so deeply. The conclusion that I came to? I love God now more than I did 2 years ago. I have a hard time writing that because the "good Christian" in me wants to say that I always loved God at equally measurable levels. But that wouldn't be telling the truth. Yes, I've loved God ever since I gave him my life as a little girl with pigtails (yes, I was pretty cute). And I have had some pain in my adult life, mostly in regards to relational divisions that have occurred in my family, but I haven't led a troubled, painful life.  Until last year.
     I took some time recently and read over things that I wrote and that were written to me when I was diagnosed. I read the scriptures that were sent to me and that I clung to. I read the prayers that I fervently wrote. I examined the relationships that blossomed in what was the darkest time of my life. Instead of feeling sad, though, I realized that it was also a time of life, faith, ultimate reliance, and a growing love for my God that I've never experienced before. It's a love that was born from surrender. A child clinging to her father, saying,  "I can't do this alone. I need You."
     So, does a pain-dodging, success-driven life grow our love for God? Not necessarily. It may grow our appreciation and our fondness for Him. It will probably make us feel blessed. But true love is grown out of knowing and acknowledging our need for Christ. Only when we admit that we need Him, do we learn to fully express our love to Him. This doesn't have to occur during crisis by any means. Oh, how much better to love our God well without experiencing the pain of this world. But the faith that is grown during a difficult season fans the fervor, the love.  Jesus himself expressed his love for you and for me by experiencing pain on the cross. Sacrifice.  Love. Surrender. It's all intertwined.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
 Lamentations 3:19-24

I hate "cancer days"

They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
Psalm 112:7

 

 

     "I hate cancer days". This is how Jeremy summed up our day today.

     Anyone that has had a diagnosis understands that once you get through the worst of it, there are years and years of checkups that will test both your faith and your patience. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for conscientious doctors that care for me and my family, both physically and emotionally. But these days are exhausting. I always say that I don't fully realize how much these appointments worry me until they are over and I feel the relief that comes with a doctor giving an all clear for 6 more months.

      So, why did I use this verse, you wonder? Because I wonder if I can ever get there-to the place of complete acceptance and peace. I'm not sure if, in my "pre-cancer" days, I feared bad news. I had normal concerns and worries, mostly about my children. But I don't recall having regular fear of bad news. I certainly didn't fear bad news related to my own personal health. Once you receive a potentially life-changing diagnosis, so much changes. You end up having to work through those thoughts (even if they are fleeting) of what it would mean to those around you if God's ultimate plan isn't to heal you.

     This fear of bad news isn't limited to health scares. Perhaps a marriage is shaky or a spouse is about to lose his job. How do we, as believers, not fear bad news? I'll be honest. I don't have a good answer here because I am clearly still working this one out. I don't want to leave you hanging, though. I do know this: When I am walking with my God daily and committing every circumstance and every moment to him, I fear less. I didn't say I was fearless. I just fear less than I do when I am working in my own emotions and feelings.

     Life can change in a single moment. In a phone call. In a doctor's appointment. We have all lived through enough adversity to know that. But I know that my God does care for me. I trust in Him.

But I still hate cancer days.

 

 

Lord, remind me that you do not want me to fear bad news. Help me to look to you and confidently trust in you to care for me. Thank you for loving me through the moments of self-reliance and for guiding me into a life of You-reliance.

Courtney

     Recently I, and the countless people that knew and loved her, experienced a tremendous loss. I met Courtney King several weeks after I had been diagnosed with cancer in the winter of 2012. A mutual friend suggested we get in contact with each other because Courtney had also just been diagnosed with breast cancer and we were in similar stages of life, mid/late 30's, young family, etc. He thought we might be a source of support to one another. He was right. We immediately struck up regular correspondence. Whenever one of us struggled or was dealing with an unexpected cancer-related occurrence, we messaged each other and committed to pray for the other. We sent each other bible verses that might encourage the other. We finally got to see each other this summer at family day for Winshape and we immediately hugged and cried. We spoke of children and husbands, treatment, fear, and struggles.When God brings you down a similar road with another believer, it knits your heart to her heart. God provided perspective and hope through two people who truly understood the anxieties, hopes, and changes that come with cancer. When I had a scary moment this past summer, she was one that I immediately got in touch with and even though she was still dealing with her own cancer, she encouraged me, prayed, and checked in on me. Here is part of our conversation that day. It makes me smile.

• • Courtney Jones King
    

    
    

    This makes everything scary! God is bigger than fear and bad news. I cling to that every day!
  • 

    7/29, 12:35pm
    

    Laura Joy Wolfe
    

    
    

    Will we ever not sweat these things out??? I so thought I had all of my fear under control.
  • 

    7/29, 12:37pm
    

    Courtney Jones King
    

    
    

    We are still human. It's hard to totally toss the fear, but I have gotten a little better. We can't wrap our minds totally around God's power, but just keep having faith and giving Him credit as you do so well. He will protect you.

     Courtney had a more formidable battle to fight than did I and she fought hard. All with her eyes focused on Christ and her young family. Several weeks after the conversation above, Courtney was sick again and passed away a few weeks later.
One of the verses that she continually referenced throughout the short time I knew her was John 11:4.

    "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it"

     When I received the news in the middle of the night that Courtney had died, this verse was the first thing that came to mind. Why, God? Why place that verse on her heart and then take her from her young family and husband? I had to really wrestle with this for several weeks. I know the "right" answers but they weren't providing a whole lot of reassurance at the time. 

     Then I began to understand. Her sickness did not truly end in death. In the physical terms, yes. But the moment she was absent from this world, she was present in the arms of Christ. Whole again, healthy, never having to fear bad news again or the threat of another treatment. I felt a relief for her at that moment. I count it a privilege to have known a bit of her heart and to see how God is using her complete faith and ultimate healing to bring people closer to Him. 

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. 8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:7-8

Much Love, Laura 

An Open Letter to the Rest of the World

I am participating in the Open Letter Challenge writing contest organized by Josh Irby. The following letter is my response to An Open Letter to You from the Rest of the World.

An Open Letter to the Rest of the World:

     I am not afraid. Hear that, world?!? OK. Maybe I am sometimes but doesn't it sound better to you if I say that I'm not? What if I tell you that I am a Christ-follower? Then I really shouldn't show fear, right? I started a journey almost 2 years ago in an attempt to eradicate fear and anxiety from my life. I researched and scoured the scriptures, studying them to find out how we were supposed to handle fear. What I thought would happen and what actually happened were miles apart. In my heart, I truly believed that through my studies I would enter into a serene life filled with security and peace. Some sort of a "Super Christian!!!", able to handle life's punches as they came at me. 
     What actually took place was that my very life was turned on its head. The losses and hurts began to mount. And they kept coming. Month after month. Being diagnosed with cancer and having to tell our children? We handled that with a pretty strong punch. Husband loses his job while wife is in cancer treatment? Slightly less energetic punch back. Foreclosed on our home? No punch left at all.
    During this time,  I tried to combat 'life' with smiles and with a wave that disregarded and denied the concerns of those around us. 
     Then, I was just so very tired. I was tired from cancer treatment and trying to act like life was normal. It was exhausting. It was not, indeed, normal. Everyone seemed to grasp that except for me. 

     So, I decided that I would be real. So, world, then there were days when I was sad. Days when I was angry. Days when I felt the weighty impact of the injustice of our circumstances. But you know what, world? When I finally allowed myself to feel my feelings, I began to truly heal.God teaches me every day how to honor Him by being real. I hope that's OK, world. Because life is so incredibly hard for many people and if I act like it's not, I don't look like "Super Christian!!!", I look like a liar. Please forgive me for acting like it was no big deal. Because it was. But my God is a bigger deal. And I am not afraid (mostly).

Heal my wounds but leave my scars

     I was listening to a song on the way to work this morning, singing my little heart out :) but a line in it got me thinking. She sang, "Heal my scars, Lord". Something didn't sit well with me. Why? Why am I uncomfortable asking God to heal my scars? We all have scars, don't we? Some of our scars are emotional and some are physical but the reality of them is the same. Our scars serve as reminders of  a wound or a hurt. Some scars are new and others have faded into the color of our lives but they are a definite part of who we are.
     This may be a topic that makes you feel vulnerable or exposed so I will be transparent with you and hopefully that will spur us to conversation. I'll talk physical scars first. I have 2 definite and dramatic scars that are well covered by clothing but are a constant reminder of a cancer diagnosis, a scary time, in which my family clung to each other and to God all while dealing with fears and the anxiety of this unknown disease in my body. They remind me not only of diagnosis but also of surgery, extensive treatment, and healing. They remind me of the fragile nature of life. But they also remind me of a closeness with God, of grace, of mercy. Of family, friends, and my God that loved me and carried me through a dark time. Redemption. That's what my scars spell out for me and that is why I need my scars. I need them to remind me that the same God that allows the tough circumstances also redeems me. Calls me by name. Walks through the flood and the fire before me and beside me without letting me get consumed or overtaken.
     Your scars may be emotional, unseen to any eyes but tattooed to your heart in your quiet moments. They are no less important to who you are in Christ. I pray that they also tell a story of redemption and grace that go beyond the hurt and loss. Christ wants to redeem your scars. He wants to redeem you. He wants to take you to a place of freedom and mercy. A place where we are whole, not defined by our scars but reminded by them. Reminded that God uses wounds so that in our moments of fragility we are forced to trust in Him.
     The wounds of Jesus on the cross were ultimately used for our healing and salvation. His scars were what physically identified him as Savior to those he met after his resurrection. So, I don't pray for my scars to be healed. May God use you and me and our scars as He allows us to be a part of His story. If you need prayer for your wounds or if you are seeking God, please feel free to contact me anytime. Much love, Laura

But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds...
Jeremiah 30:17

A Promise of Restoration

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." Joel 2:25

    It is my big brother's birthday today and we kept joking that he was only 32 (he's my older brother). I was good with that because that would make me 29. :)  Wouldn't that be wonderful to rewind a bit, perhaps give our older and mature future self some gentle warnings about the days to come? Jeremy overhead my end of the conversation and said, "NO! Don't say that! That would mean we all have to go through everything again!"
     That got me thinking about restoration and this verse instantly came to mind. How many of us feel like locusts have eaten some of our prosperity, peace, or security? And sometimes the locusts seem to have pulled a chair up at an all you can eat buffet of our lives!
     When we experience times of loss, regret, and difficulty, it can feel impossible to see past what could have or would have been. But then He gives us a promise. God promises not only to walk with us and hold us up but also to actually pay us back for what has been lost. This repayment may be in unexpected ways but it is always displayed in extra measures of grace. Perhaps in relationships formed, kindnesses shown by others, or in actual physical means. God knows exactly how we need to be restored and He will do it. We just need to be open to restoration and not locked into regret or bitterness.
     Hold onto this promise, my dear friend. I'll be holding on with you!

An Altar of Peace

So Gideon built an altar to the Lord there and called it THE LORD IS PEACE.
Judges 6:24a

     In Judges 6, The Israelites (those crazy, blessed, disobedient people!) were being oppressed by the Midians. Their tents and crops were constantly ruined by them and the Israelites were generally just ravaged by these Midians day and night. When the Israelites reached their breaking point, they cried out to God. Why didn't they do it earlier? I have no idea. Why don't we cry out to God right away? Probably because we think "we got this". He sends the Israelites a prophet who basically gives a reprimand from God himself. Something along the lines of "I delivered you, I rescued you, I told you exactly how to be obedient and still you don't listen." An angel then appeared to Gideon who is busy working and Gideon says "Pardon me, my Lord. But if the Lord is with us, why has all of this happened to us?". For some reason this line made me laugh. I think could see myself saying those same words (Ok, I'm pretty sure I have said those words to God before). The Lord Himself then appears to Gideon and commissions him out to save his people. " 'Pardon me, my Lord, ' Gideon replied, 'but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.' " Oh, sheesh, Gideon! God himself is telling you that you and He are going to save the chosen people together! The Lord assures Gideon that they will strike down the enemy together. Still Gideon asks for a sign and the Lord says he'll wait for him to return. God had to be worn out with the lot of them, no? But, oh, let's not be too quick to judge. We are just like the Israelites and Gideon in so many ways. Gideon brings some food back and the Lord instructs him to put it on a rock and fire flares up and consumes it all. At this point Gideon finally acknowledges the presence of the Lord and builds an altar of peace.
     What is an altar really? I'm ashamed to say that I googled the word to see an official (ok, from Wikipedia) definition of the word. I know what it is but I had a time articulating it. I'm kind of embarrassed that I had to google such a simple word but I figure I'm all out there these days anyway. Haha. So, it says that an altar is any structure upon which offerings such as sacrifices are made. Stick with me on this one. I got to thinking about building an altar of peace in my own life. At first thought it sounds like a lovely idea. All peaceful and fragrant. And then I started thinking about the sacrifice that is required to actually make an altar, well, an altar. Sacrifice is a stinky, nasty, and painful situation. There is pain and blood and all sorts of unpleasant things that have to take place at an altar. Now, we know that there is no actual physical bloodshed required anymore at an altar since Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice and pouring out of blood for everyone. But still, what would a sacrifice look like if I was building an altar of peace in my life? I think I would have to sacrifice all of the yuck in my life that takes away my peace. I might have to give up my need for control, my self-centeredness, people-pleasing, fear, anxious tendencies, my quest to ensure God's love for me, and anything else that gets in the way of peace in my life. If I could truly go through the nasty process of sacrificing all of that in my life (which is the journey I feel like I've been on for some time now), I believe I could actually have an altar of peace in my life. And just maybe I could get to the place where I could see that an altar is not intended for the well-being of the one bringing the sacrifice (me) but it is to honor the one to whom the sacrifice is being offered (God). Get it? It's not about you and me, my friends. It's about the God the altar is supposed to be honoring. My quest for peace all of these months has been all about me and my ability to have a calm spirit and a peaceful heart. Here's my Aha! moment. When I am at peace and totally trusting my God to provide and love me, I am honoring Him. It becomes less about me and all about Him!
     Ok, so God just showed up here on my couch in my living room through this post. My mind is blown at the realization that God just taught me something totally new as I was writing and praying. When I am at peace, I honor Him. That is how I build an altar of peace. I sacrifice all of the uglies that keep me from peace and God is lifted up and honored above all else. As a result, people will see God for who He really is.
    I know that was a lot. And maybe that was just more for me than for you (I said during one post that this blog functions like a good therapist sometimes). But I ask that you think on and pray about how we can build an altar of peace in our lives. Not for our happiness but for His glory.

Much love, Laura (an Israelite at heart that keeps disobeying and is continually shown grace time and time again)

Why do we care?

A conversation today got me thinking: Why do we care so much about what other people think of us? On the other hand, shouldn't we care since, as believers, we are His representative?

It's a tough balance to strike and I'll be honest, it is one of my toughest daily struggles. If I am doing the right thing and it bothers someone else, I should have the confidence in the One who gives me conviction to stand in assurance, regardless of others' opinions. Similarly, if I am striving to please people, I am most likely missing the mark. Isn't that the real issue? Much of my time and emotional energy is spent on pleasing people-wondering if someone approves of me or likes me. If I took that same time and energy and invested it in reading my bible and spending time with God, wouldn't that replace my need to please people?

So, I went in search of a verse that might apply.

Am I now trying to win human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Well, alrighty then. That pretty much clears things up. I can't try to win the approval of people and God simultaneously.In fact, if I am trying to please people, I am not serving Christ. Impossible to do both? I guess so. But didn't I already know that? I know that when I am so concerned about an opinion of me, then I am not focused at all on Christ and His instant approval of me. He approves of me just because I am His. And because He is the great I AM. I don't have to understand why He loves and approves of me even when I am completely in my flesh-selfish and consumed with my needs only. He loves and approves of me simply because I am His adopted child. And when I am walking in that, I am always going to be a representative of Jesus. Amen and amen.

Much to think about and much love to you!

Waiting for a season of singing

"See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come." Song of Songs 2:11

     So,  I was blessed with an opportunity to have some downtime this weekend at a women's retreat in gorgeous Asheville, NC. The company was great, the speaker insightful, and the view was spectacular. But here's the most important thing: I heard God this weekend. I heard Him through His word.
     I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I am waiting for a "season of singing". When I began to reflect on this, my heart cried out to God. Why, when crisis has passed, do we still struggle? I began to think on this and talk to God about this. And the very next scripture he brought to me was in Ecclesiastes 3, vs 1-8.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to  uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stories and a time to gather,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

     I have heard that scripture read many times before. I heard it sung as a child (For every season, turn turn turn...) but I've never dwelled on it before. You know what, friend? Whatever season you are in is just that. A season. Seasons don't last forever but even when a long winter is ending, the frozen land has to thaw bit by bit. And when we've had a winter-type season of loss or pain, and the freeze has been deep, it takes much warmth and time to get to the deepest layers of ice. When our hurts run very deep, it takes longer to heal those wounds.
     Why do we expect ourselves to blossom as soon as winter is over? I feel often times we have a self-imposed pressure to produce flowers as soon as a crisis is "over". We think that people expect us to move on, work through, get over things as quickly as possible. That may be true. Let's face it. Crisis generally makes people uncomfortable. We don't like to see someone we love struggle. Never knowing what to say, what to do.
    I do, however, believe we shouldn't linger in a valley when God is providing us hope, healing and restoration. But I know that we have to allow ourselves to heal completely from the deepest of wounds, whether the wound is emotional, physical, or spiritual. And your dearest of friends will give you the grace to do that. More importantly, our God gives us the grace.
     So, I know my season of singing is coming. I do. I feel like God is preparing me for it. But for now, I will rest in His arms where He gives me the time and grace to heal and strengthen. For now, I know that He is taking delight in me and singing over me.

The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you in singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

Dear friend, give yourself the time to heal that God himself gives us. There is a season for it. Allow Him to sing over you and so you can rest in His delight. You don't have to earn it. You just have to rest in it. There will be a season of singing soon. Hold on!

The scary thing about fear

     The scary thing about fear is that it can attack out of nowhere. I've been feeling more peaceful these days-hubby has recently landed a good job, kids are happy and settled, I am exactly a full year (today!) post cancer treatment and starting to feel pretty 'normal'. But all of those good feelings were gone in an instant several days ago. I had a health scare related to last year's cancer that really rocked me to my core and made me fear my 'tomorrows'. I quickly realized that, although I carry a confidence in Christ, my feelings of security or fear are so often purely situational. Things are going well, I am peaceful. Things are uncertain, I am anxious. You may be thinking that is just a part of being human. Well, shouldn't we want more than just being like the rest of the world? I want the peace of Christ to truly replace my worries about tomorrow. This is not, mind you, a drive of myself to be "Super Christian!!!" (cue the super hero music).  It is actually quite the opposite. It's a willingness to put myself and my pride in submission to God.
     Interestingly enough, I recently watched a session of Beth Moore, in which she said that "Feeling anxious or worried about how I will handle a situation is just another form of pride." Honestly, when I heard that, I thought, "Well, sister, you and I are going to have to agree to disagree on that one!" But then I took a moment to step outside of my prickly defenses and saw the truth. Here is what God revealed to me: If I am worrying, I am saying that 1. I'm in charge and 2. The outcome is up to me. In other words, the more I worry and fret the more I feel like I can work out a solution to the problem in front of me.  If I am trying to hold onto that control, there is no way that I am allowing God to work in me. I can't have it both ways-praying for God to work the situation out and trying to do it on my own.  Ok. Wow. I gotcha, God.
     God's clearly been working on me for a while now but I have many miles to go on my journey. Oh, and never think you have something "handled" because something will happen that will show you just how susceptible you are to falling into old thought patterns. So, I'm back at it. Praying about and working out my fear issues again. But by the grace and love of my God, He just keeps lifting me up and carrying me through.

     We did receive a great report from the doctor this week regarding my concerns. I am thankful and humbled by His continued faithfulness. My prayer is that the next time I face uncertainty (and I most certainly will!) that I can take it to God and God alone. I have learned much from this, though. I am most definitely a faulty, but grateful, child of my Abba.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 
John 16:33